Monday, December 19, 2011

What to do, what to do

What do you do when you're wronged? Hurt? I like to call it "slapped in the face." Despite circumstances, someone took something out of your control and pushed it back at you until it injured you.
For me, it happened today. A big, hard, slap. Right on my face.
The worst part is re-living it. Imagining it from their point of view. Almost being tortured by it.
So what do you do? Better question is, what am I going to do now?
I think... I'm just going to live my life. I'm going to laugh my hardest (maybe even cry my hardest at some points), & embrace every aspect of where I am and where I'm going, because God is going to use these moments to form me even more.
So as a broken, open, wounded vessel, I'll say: "Here I am, Lord. You know where I am." And just as every other time, He will embrace me. He will treat me with respect and with care, as if I am the most important human being in the entire world. He will promise me that He will never do anything like what has happened to me. He will never betray me. He will never attack me. He will never misuse my trust or trade my honor for any reason, because I am a treasure.
I am excited for the future. I am hesitant to learn from pain, but I know in the end it only makes me stronger in Him, and that's what I desire more than anything in this world. To be strong in Him and have my strength be reliant upon His.
I love you, Jesus. Arms up, everything cast aside and surrendered, have Your way.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The output of this weekend would be...

Oh, the irony.
It's time like these that take me back to times like "those." The past. How deep I've gone and how bad it's been. It's a sucky thing to bring up to myself, and oh, how I know it. I strongly dislike when things pop up and ruin a perfectly good semester. I cannot think of a semester in my college history that has been more happy or positive. It has been so distinct that I can't help not notice it. So that's why this weekend has really been a downer in so many ways.
You know when things go wrong, and then more things go wrong, and then more things go wrong?
That's my weekend- Friday and Saturday, summed up. Everything from teachers to school to life situations to relationships, I feel like everything is strained and I'm emotionally exhausted.
When these things come up, my therapy is usually artsy and since I've been feeling exhausted in general, I didn't really leave my room all weekend. The collage on my wall has expanded immensely, along with many other smaller collages and ideas created in helping a friend decorate her room.
Artsy-ness at it's best, friends.
Anyways, I thought I would also let you know that I'm at a complete loss about my future. I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going to end up. I don't know who I'm going to meet or where I'm going to travel, but you know what I do know?
That I have finals in a week for a 21 credit work load, one 10 page exegesis paper left to write, and a presentation that I must appear prepared for tomorrow morning.
I'm afraid that's all I've had time to think about, and any other thoughts I won't fully comprehend due to how much work is left to be done. It will just overwhelm me and distract me from it.
So I would ask of you, anyone who reads this, please drop any bombs on me in 2 weeks time. I might not like it, and I might still be recovering from finals, but at least I won't have 21 credits to think about on top of it all.
It's days like these that I remember this:
"Trust in, lean on, reply on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower)." - Psalm 62:8
If I had an acoustic guitar right now, my fingers would be bleeding.