I moved to Australia.

For those of you who don't know, I now reside in the country of Australia. This is kind of a crazy thing to even type out. For some reason I was really against making it public but now that it's more or less out there - hello from Australia. I guess I didn't want to be that person, you know? The one who blasts it everywhere. Maybe social media is just getting to me. I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Hello from Australia!
Yes, there are kangaroos and koalas here. No, everyone does not say "G'day mate" instead of "hello." Yes, I'm not far from the Sydney Opera House. No, I don't eat Vegimite everyday. I think that covers some of my basics for now.

Can I be honest and say this isn't at all what I thought it would be? And to be even more clear, I had absolutely 100% no expectations for coming here? Haha. Are you as confused as I am!?
Good. Maybe that will help you understand. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here, I'm just being obedient. I guess it can make sense to trust God when things are good, and even when things are evidently bad, but I'm learning it's hard to trust God when there's no explanation for something He's told you to do.

I'll walk you through it.
God: Go to Hillsong's school in Australia.
Me: Why?
God: Just go.
Me: (long pause...ok a few years later) Ok.

That's pretty much all I got.
I left my multiple jobs, workaholic lifestyle, and active church life to come out to Australia and go back to school at Hillsong. This really doesn't make sense to me. Like, really really.
But God's made it clear I'm supposed to be here, in more ways than one. So where does that leave me?
Learning to trust when I have no explanation or reasoning, in a different country way farther away than I've ever been for such a long a period of time, away from anything or anyone familiar, with a completely different environment.
In my head it sounded like an adventure, and due to my lack of expectation, I didn't anticipate the challenges and stress that would come with finally saying "yes." Maybe adventure doesn't mean easy.

But I'm here. I made it. I'm on the other side of the world. It happened, and I have no idea why.
So I'll wait.
I felt like I was waiting for years to just make the decision to come here, and then it felt like I was waiting forever to get here. Now that I'm here, I have to wait again?
There must be something in this waiting thing, huh?
I'll just be here. Waiting. Whenever He thinks I'm ready to hear it, He'll let me hear. I've come to find that His timing isn't usually mine, and after a while I realize that it's for the better.
I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of questions, and a lot of stress about this whole thing, but I'm growing to learn to trust anyway in the midst of it. I'll be present. I'll soak in as much as I can. I'll just be here, because that's all I know to do right now. My leap of faith didn't have to make sense to anyone, including me. Plod on, plod on, plod on.

So I wait.

This, that, and the other.

I guess there could come a time where you'd wonder if I ever even wrote on this thing anymore. I mean, I don't have a fancy Wordpress or done-up Tumblr. I don't have my own website or an awesome new camera to post pictures of high definition on my Canon 200000zx340 or anything.

I just have me. Regular Tabatha. I'm here, in quite a different world than I last posted in but on the same website.

When I last came here I was really confused (the whole post-grad life takes some figuring out). I was working but not knowing what I was working towards (I can be detail-oriented sometimes). I was grasping at straws, to be honest. I can't say that now in this present moment I have much of anything figured out, but I feel better. I have made a major life decision and am moving towards it. I have been working really, really hard towards goals and accomplishing a lot. I've had a busy first-year-out-of-college whirlwind.

Here are a few things that I've learned recently:

1. I don't need to have everything figured out just because I graduated from college.

I initially felt way more pressure than I realized to have a position lined up or an internship to jump into. Honestly, looking back, I think if I had done any of that it would've been a mistake. I wouldn't have wanted to make some rushed choice that led to permanency I wasn't ready for. I would've ignored that gut instinct - AKA: God - and done something that wasn't right for me. So I waited. I even passed up opportunities that seemed amazing waiting for that huge peace signal. And now I'm really glad I did.

2. The only thing certain in life (other than the obvious) are seasons.

Seasons come and go and shake everything up. My last year in college I was in an okay place. This year kind of messed that up (shocker!). The thing that changed the most for me personally were all my friendships. Realizing some friends aren't for life or don't keep in touch or aren't worth my effort time and time again really messed with me. I'm a pretty sensitive heart, and I really care about those I've come into contact with. Someone once told me that if I wasn't losing friends I wasn't growing up. After this year, I really comprehend that on a different level.  I'm still struggling to learn how to cope with this better but I know it's a part of growing up - even though it's mostly a bummer.

3. I'm me and that's ok.

There have been tons of times in my life where I've neglected who I am in order to people please and get by. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm still learning how to get over the people pleaser in me! - but I feel something shifted inside. I may not be the most confident introvert out there, but I'm me and that's ok. I work hard, I laugh loud, I love my friends and family, and I know what I want to do with my life. My accomplishments this year speak of it, and I don't say that in pride or to brag. Honestly, I don't. They just show me personally that I'm changing. I don't need to make myself outspoken to prove it or force you to notice me in order to be understood (even if sometimes I feel the opposite). God made me the way that I am and it doesn't have to fit an ethnic, cultural, or stereotypical format. It's allowed to be quiet, subtle, or not on center stage.

Well... big things are up ahead! I can't say I'll be keeping up with blog really regularly, but there's always that maybe. I imagine this is something I'd tell you over coffee, so thanks for letting me process with you.

A prayer for tonight.

God,

Grant me peace when I don't understand,
And help me surrender even when I do.
Still my heart and calm my mind,
let my heart beat with Yours.
I release the hurt,
I release the pain,
I'm letting it go
Because listening to You means more than holding onto it.
When I feel undervalued,
Remind me who I am.
When others betray me,
Let me hold fast to Your truths, not theirs.
Teach me to hold things loosely in my hands,
and keep my heart sincere.
Let me never undermine or under appreciate others,
but let me see how you see them.
Teach me to show my love for You,
by loving others how You would want me to.
When I'm angered by injustice,
Remind me to take action,
so that my words might have feet to go somewhere with Your heart.
Give me courage to protect the weak,
Give me strength to endure harsh words,
and give me Your eyes so that I might understand.

I can't do this on my own.
I need you.
I deny myself.
I take up my cross,
I ask for your forgiveness
quietly
and receive it wholeheartedly,
so that I may live a life chasing after You
in the complete freedom I have the possibility to possess.
If that means I'm not in the spotlight,
let my heart yearn only for Your attention.
If that means I'm humiliated,
kill my pride.
If that means I never please anyone but You,
let me be content in that knowledge.

As I lay my head down,
and take off today,
let me release it all into Your possession:
my thoughts, memories, concerns, and worries.
Take control,
so I might have the mindset I'm supposed to have.
I give it up.
Here I am.

I surrender myself,

my heart,

my will,

my thoughts,

my secrets,

my regrets,

and my plans,

all to You.

You gave me my dreams,

and know them best.

You placed a call on my life,

and see what others cannot.

You planned my personality,

and rejoice in who I am.

Let me rejoice with You - tonight, tomorrow, and for eternity. 

The game of comparison.

Where you are in life, and who you are in life are incredibly important.

How many minutes do I waste and want and pine? Wishing I were somewhere else and planning to be somewhere else? How many times do I put thought into questions that only bring worry and stress?

These questions, they nag at us. They drive us crazy. And here's the funny thing -
We'll never really know the full answer. We're really just wasting time and energy being insecure.

I'm guilty of this incredibly. For me, it's "Why can't I have my life figured out like them?"
Well, to myself, and to anyone who does read this -
You're not them. That's why.

I heard a quote once: "Sometimes you might have to go through doors where only one person will fit." In other words, sometimes you might have to take a path no one around you has taken. It's only meant for you. It's supposed to be different. It's supposed to be unique. It's supposed to be challenging, and maybe it's supposed to be painful. Maybe it's really going to stretch you.

Don't be intimidated if no one around you is experiencing your specific journey. This is your life, and you are the only you that exists. That means your path is pretty unique, and it's probably not going to look like everyone else's.
And if you're thinking that people don't care, or they're forgetting about you, or whatever it is that the insecurity is biting away at you for, can you please just relax? Be comfortable in your own skin or something, and let people love you for you. If they don't, it's seriously their loss.
Most importantly, be comfortable knowing that no matter who you are, where you are, or even what you've done or haven't done, what you have figured out or haven't figured out, God sees you, loves you, and accepts you just as you are, where you are, and for who you are. He's got this big picture He painted from before you were born, and He understands it best.

More than anything, can I let myself relax in the knowledge that God loves me for me? Can you?
I'm not saying I have any of this figured out, but it doesn't mean I'm not learning. I just think that in the midst of all the uncertainty in my life, I'm understanding even more that God has a way for me, and it's specific and intricate, and that's ok. I want to learn to celebrate that, even if I don't understand it.
How about you?

Reminders.

Hello, Child.

Here are some reminders I think you might need. Sometimes you forget them, or they don't seem that important to you. If I can be honest, I'll say that it kind of hurts me when that happens. These are my words to you.

Take a minute.
Relax.
Lay back.
Breathe.
Listen.

I'm not far. I'm close.

I'm not holding your sin against you, I'm waiting to forgive it.

I love embracing you.

I have this thing planned out that you're so afraid of.

I long for you to come to Me.

I long to bring complete restoration and healing to your life.

I'm not retracting My promises.

I'm not throwing a temper tantrum when you won't listen.

I am love.

If you can relate.

Your heart's pulsing and your breaths are short. Your eyes are avoiding contact with someone else as you try to smoothly pass them as though it means nothing. But we both know it means everything. And you stand there, paralyzed. It seems like everything stands still in this one moment; everything comes down to this one moment. It also doesn't seem fair.

I don't blame you.
Weeks of focus and agonizing hours of disbelief have crossed your path.
Minutes where your heart throbbed and your inner core shook.
I know those moments, and it's different for everyone. Maybe you're on edge instead of falling apart, or maybe it just stings a little bit instead of throbs. Maybe you're in a different place with it than other people. I mean, everyone's in a different place. Sometimes I'm at different places with it, and the same place, all at once with different people.
People I used to be so entirely comfortable with, who used to share with me in creating those memories that are so firm and sturdy in my mind that it's hard to shake them.

I wouldn't say that I'm at odds necessarily with anyone in particular, but I felt compelled to relate to that awkward phase in the middle.

If you relate at all with the first few paragraphs, you know what I'm talking about.
That faint throb or ache? That rush of nervousness? That just... icky feeling maybe that sits in because you don't necessarily know where to place someone anymore.
I think I'm encountering it more as I get older. I'm not necessarily fond of it.
Sometimes I come across a Facebook post, a simple act of one person writing to another on a virtual wall, and my heart just stops for a moment. It aches a little bit. A dull throb comes. It's almost like my mind is trying to comprehend it all: "I used to know you."

I don't mean just "know" either. I mean like, I used to know you. We used to share something together. You were once a part of my daily life. I once considered you a vital part of my social atmosphere.
And I let you know me.
And maybe this is why it aches, because you don't know me like that anymore and I don't know you like that anymore. We're friends, but that term would be used loosely.
And I'd really like to get away from all of that. All of this.
How do you place someone like that in your life?

I heard it said a while ago that you finally know you're over something when you can honestly wish the person who caused you pain the best. You can sincerely look at them in the eye, say you wish them well, and truly, genuinely mean it. While this might seem like a stretch for those who have fresher wounds, it caused me to think if I had the ability to do something with such sincerity. Was this something I was capable of doing?

I was sitting in a church service during the semester and my pastor was preaching on moving past barriers and breaking bondages. He mentioned unforgiveness as something that might hold you back, or be classified as a bondage. As he went through a list of other weights and barriers it was almost as if my mind was stuck on that one word: unforgiveness.
God spoke to me in that moment: "You haven't forgiven..."
He used someone's name. I won't repeat it here.

I was almost dumbfounded.
"Yeah, I have, right? I thought I did."

He didn't even have to reply to that. I knew how stupid I sounded.
"It was just so long ago, God."

Still no reply. Still a pretty lame excuse, and not entirely accurate on my part.
"It's just so huge, God."

And I felt it in my heart in that moment:
If I ever wanted to be able to look that person in the eye and truly wish them well,
I had to forgive them.

It's almost like I was about to turn the corner and come upon this huge breakthrough, and I was so terrified that I found my feet frozen in place, because what they had done was engrained in my mind. It almost marked me in a way. It scarred me tremendously and forgiving them of that, knowing that I was willingly letting it go, seemed too practical and easy. It was too simple.

But the fact was that to begin with, I hadn't even realized that I had not forgiven them. It was like this weight I had been carrying around with me was finally identified, and I was so used to it that it seemed illogical to release it (which is incredibly silly).

To me it was just a dull ache in my mind. A relentless, but seemingly tiny throb in my heart.
Something that hurt, but didn't kill; something that was noticeable, but not lethal.
But I was wrong.
And maybe with those anxious looks and awkward emotions, you haven't clearly defined it either.
But maybe, just maybe, you haven't forgiven them. And if you don't believe me, push pause on your crazy whirlwind life and ask yourself if you could truly wish, with all sincerity, someone that hurt you the best.

It's just a thought, but I would venture to say that it's a possibility.
And maybe you think it's impossible to do so, or too hard, or too much.
And I'm with you on that. It can seem overwhelming.
But it's not impossible.
And if the truth sets you free, maybe this vagueness is a lie holding you captive.
And the three words "I forgive you" could finally help you be sincere when you look at them again.

We often have a tendency to think that God is solely on our side whenever we're at odds, or at awkward phases, with other people. But God doesn't really have a side when it comes to this, because He wants everyone to come to Him. Who's to say that person who hurt you isn't praying to God about the situation as much as you are?

So maybe you just need to think it over, and re-evaluate where you're at, or begin to tell God that you're ready to forgive someone.
Whatever it is, you're not in it alone.
We're all in process together, so let that encourage you.
My best friend always tells me that a process is a process, and that as long as I'm moving forward and the process is moving, I must be doing something right and making progress.
Everyone's progress is different.

We're gonna make it. 

It's going to be worth it.
We're in this together, friend, and we're gonna come out on the other side victorious I just know it.

A glance at my story.

Life is not perfect, in fact it's usually the opposite

Growing down walls and outside windows 

Reaching in and grasping what's important, 

Sometimes taking it away. 

Pulling at the sides of your will until it all but crashes and burns, 

while you are left standing and trying to remember what strength used to feel like. 

You were strong once, right?

Sometimes I can't remember what it is,

But from what I remember, it's exhausting. 

Tasting of it's lack is remembering a powerless life. 

And I can hear a voice, screaming at me. 

It's yelling violently

Echoing off the windows and coursing down the walls

My heart breaks when the scream reaches my ears. 

Sand fills my mouth and my blood stops all motion

I am caught between words and action

I am lost in abyss and imagination

I am toiling in loss and wrestling with sorrow

while trying to fend off the all too familiarity of loneliness. 

Pain rushes my stomach until I can't stand

Memories swirl in my mind until I can't think 

Punching, pulling, aching, rolling

Aching in such a deep down way that your heart reflects 

nothing but shambles. 

Can anyone pick up my shambles? 

Tears are now robbing my vision.

Can anyone put me on my feet?

Stand with me?

Push me into position?

Steps. I hear steps. 

Someone is approaching me. 

The ferocity in my heart is drowning out everything else. 

They are standing in front of me, and I am everything but presentable. 

Words escape my mouth coming directly from my heart

There is no valve or blockage to differentiate the connection these two have 

"Teach me," I whisper. "Teach me how to love."

I hold on to the last string of hope that is rooted in my heart 

Hoping for change

Hoping for love

Hoping for difference.

There is silence. 

At last, His voice.

"You have to let me. Will you allow yourself to fall apart so that I may put you back together?"

Now the silence is on my end. 

There is peace resonating only inches away from me. 

There is hope and comfort and strength

within arm's reach. 

So close. 

I gasp.
Although I am in pain, the future of pain in my reply determines so much.
It's when you're at the end of yourself
And desperate enough
that change happens at all.

Slowly, I nodd.
Tears flowing down my cheeks and throbbing in my soul,
I brace myself for inevitable heartache.
But it's nothing as I imagine it to be
As He picks me up and His peace fills me
His hope enthralls me and
His strength becomes mine.
Like broken glass
and shambled art
I am sprawled and squished
I am lengthened and empowered
I am stretched so much and
I feel so much pain
That the brokenness is reduced to nothingness.
The shattered fragments are dust inside of me
And I realize
I am nothing without Him.
I sit in this.
I learn in this.
I rely on Him during this
believing this is not the end.
And as I grow confident once more,
He sees change.
Soon
Like putting stitches in wounded flesh
He begins to sew me back together
And it hurts.
I can't escape it
I can't run away
Because either way there is pain
and I might as well become whole while He is here.

He's wanted this for a long time,
I can see it in the way He handles me.
Careful,
patient,
persistent,
consistent.
He's not leaving.
He's not abandoning.
He's still working on me
He's still supplying my needs
through countless weeks of mending
millions of seconds worth of healing
There is still so much to put back together
And He remains.

In the midst of it all, my mending heart
is bursting with gratitude.
It hurts, it is like burning fire
cleaning away all impurity and
welding all the shattered fragments
So much brokenness,
but not for long.
Parts of me are already beginning to function properly again
Parts I didn't know were ever broken.

"You will be called Revived," He tells me,
"For I have taken you from the depths of brokenness, and am making you whole once more.
You are no longer who you were,
You are who I am mending you to become."

I am Revived.
Through this painful process
I am being made whole
and I want it.
I yearn for this
So that I might profit my Father
and bring glory to Him all the more.
May my focus be ever upon His face
as He puts me back together.
May I live Revived
So that one day
My life in response will revive others.