What to do, what to do

What do you do when you're wronged? Hurt? I like to call it "slapped in the face." Despite circumstances, someone took something out of your control and pushed it back at you until it injured you.
For me, it happened today. A big, hard, slap. Right on my face.
The worst part is re-living it. Imagining it from their point of view. Almost being tortured by it.
So what do you do? Better question is, what am I going to do now?
I think... I'm just going to live my life. I'm going to laugh my hardest (maybe even cry my hardest at some points), & embrace every aspect of where I am and where I'm going, because God is going to use these moments to form me even more.
So as a broken, open, wounded vessel, I'll say: "Here I am, Lord. You know where I am." And just as every other time, He will embrace me. He will treat me with respect and with care, as if I am the most important human being in the entire world. He will promise me that He will never do anything like what has happened to me. He will never betray me. He will never attack me. He will never misuse my trust or trade my honor for any reason, because I am a treasure.
I am excited for the future. I am hesitant to learn from pain, but I know in the end it only makes me stronger in Him, and that's what I desire more than anything in this world. To be strong in Him and have my strength be reliant upon His.
I love you, Jesus. Arms up, everything cast aside and surrendered, have Your way.

The output of this weekend would be...

Oh, the irony.
It's time like these that take me back to times like "those." The past. How deep I've gone and how bad it's been. It's a sucky thing to bring up to myself, and oh, how I know it. I strongly dislike when things pop up and ruin a perfectly good semester. I cannot think of a semester in my college history that has been more happy or positive. It has been so distinct that I can't help not notice it. So that's why this weekend has really been a downer in so many ways.
You know when things go wrong, and then more things go wrong, and then more things go wrong?
That's my weekend- Friday and Saturday, summed up. Everything from teachers to school to life situations to relationships, I feel like everything is strained and I'm emotionally exhausted.
When these things come up, my therapy is usually artsy and since I've been feeling exhausted in general, I didn't really leave my room all weekend. The collage on my wall has expanded immensely, along with many other smaller collages and ideas created in helping a friend decorate her room.
Artsy-ness at it's best, friends.
Anyways, I thought I would also let you know that I'm at a complete loss about my future. I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going to end up. I don't know who I'm going to meet or where I'm going to travel, but you know what I do know?
That I have finals in a week for a 21 credit work load, one 10 page exegesis paper left to write, and a presentation that I must appear prepared for tomorrow morning.
I'm afraid that's all I've had time to think about, and any other thoughts I won't fully comprehend due to how much work is left to be done. It will just overwhelm me and distract me from it.
So I would ask of you, anyone who reads this, please drop any bombs on me in 2 weeks time. I might not like it, and I might still be recovering from finals, but at least I won't have 21 credits to think about on top of it all.
It's days like these that I remember this:
"Trust in, lean on, reply on, and have confidence in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower)." - Psalm 62:8
If I had an acoustic guitar right now, my fingers would be bleeding.

Seasons

Today? Today I am grateful to be alive.
I feel like during this season many people are falling apart. Those "many people" used to be me. I remember a year ago today and see a stark difference in my life now, and I think to myself, what happened?
What's so different? What changed?
I am literally facing midterm after midterm, assignment after assignment, and paper after paper with barely a flinch. I can feel the stress in my back, but not in my heart or mind. I feel slightly overwhelmed, but not to the point where it's hard to work. All I can say is thank you, Jesus.
Thank you so much, God.
When I used to be screaming in the face of fear and stress, instead I am full of joy and laughter.
When I used to keep myself up to every hour of the night, instead I am cozied up after a good night talk with You.
Instead of being busy as a foundation, I have found worship and prayer have taken their place.
You have rearranged my priorities. You have transformed my habits.
This is not the same Tabatha that walked onto this campus last year at all, and I know it's from You.
Words aren't enough, and if they could be there are not enough of them to possibly contain how much I am learning and growing simply by being with You. I am still wrestling, and I still have troubles, but I'm allowing them to soften me instead of harden me.
I am completely in love with Your presence, God. It's enrapturing. It's honoring to be in. I am learning so much not only from You, but more then ever from Your presence. Once I notice it, tears come to my eyes almost immediately.
What changed, Lord? What happened? I'm not sure, but I want to say thank you.
Thank you, so much.

I remember one year ago this time wondering if anything would ever be better. Wondering if anything would change. Wondering if I would ever feel better. And now it makes sense.
Life is made up of seasons, and I am entering a new one.
Time to put on my running shoes, throw open the door, and embrace running it for all it's worth because I know that seasons don't last forever, and when they're gone they're only memories.

“Sometimes you may have to go through doors where only one person will fit.”

There's only one me. 
Only one Tabatha Beiser in this entire world (or Tabatha Schmabatha, for that matter). God has created a plan for my life that is specific and unique. No one else has it. No one else can claim it but me. 
I may sometimes get off track or distracted, but His plans and promises won't change. 
The path I'm walking and the places I'm going aren't going to look like anyone else's paths or places, because this plan that God has made for me... no one else has lived it out. 
I'm the only one who gets to do it. 
So when I say that "God has a plan for my life", or "God has a plan for your life", you have to realize that no one else has that plan but me, or you. 
There's only one you. There's only one me. That's it. 

Angels?

I have always respected Jason Upton. It was never about his vocal accuracy or being on point musically for him. Those are all things people aim for and I believe sometimes over-aim. Sure, there needs to be an even level, I understand. But that aside, I've respected that he's always had this intense, noticeable heart cry in all his songs. You just KNOW he's worshipping. You know he's in the presence of God. It's so evident in his voice, in his songs...

Listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6jRPpHzwCE

It's blowing my mind. I know what you're thinking, but it really is.
Get to around like 4:50. Go ahead. It's kinda creepy, I know. BUT you know that synth-y noise? Or the 3 part harmony? Or the choir?
Jason Upton was the ONLY one who's microphone was on and being recorded vocally. ALL of those voices came only from his mic, too. Everyone that night heard those voices singing.
There was a kid in the audience who said he saw an angel singing behind Jason Upton. They weren't sure if they were being recorded or not.
It was.
Dude. Angels? Recorded? Brings me chills. Give it a chance.

And I'm probably like 500 years behind on this, but still...

Smile. You're beautiful.

The other day was pretty rough. Nothing majorly wrong happened, it was just a day where I was going nonstop with crazy work! Plus it was dark and grey out, raining everywhere. I ran to the library and as I was heading inside I saw one of my friends on stage playing acoustic guitar. 

I love acoustic guitar. 

I walked over to say hi and he said hello. We’re not that close, but close enough. We’ve had good conversations here and there. I consider him a friend and only that. After a minute or so of him plucking the strings and tuning every now and again and he looked up at me and said: “You know, I don’t know if you’ve heard it lately or in general, but you’re beautiful.”

“What?” I replied. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I was watching you play piano in chapel this morning and it just hit me and I thought to myself: ‘Wow, she’s gorgeous.’”

I said thank you as he jokingly began hitting chords and making up a song with my name in it. I don’t take that the wrong way. I know we’re just friends, and he’s definitely the kind of friend that can get away saying stuff like that. It brought a ray of sunshine through my literally cloudy and rainy day. 

So, I don’t know if anyone’s told you this lately,

but you’re beautiful.

Like gorgeous, amazing, talented, awesome and specifically created to be you.  

Don’t take this as flattery. I'm being honest. 

Smile.

You’re beautiful. 

Do something.

Have you ever heard God scream?

I have. 

In Malawi, Africa. Every morning when I heard the Africans crying out in blinded deception I heard God scream. I looked at His tear-stained face and saw the very image of pain and agony. 

"Shouldn't your heart break for these people?" He said to me. 

Have you ever heard God scream?

I have.

When I was in Cairo, Egypt.

Where 98% of the 25 million people there are Muslim. Where all of those people then, fasted in order to obtain peace approval from something that wasn't real. 

As someone in the city explained how much closer they felt to their god after fasting I heard the voice of God cry out in pain. He was screaming and weeping. 

Have you ever heard God cry?

I did. 

Today in chapel. I was reminded of how His heart breaks for theirs. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I felt a knot tie itself in the center of my heart as God whispered to me: "Cry for my people, and what you feel will be only a fraction of what is in my heart."

How easily we forget God's heart. 

I can hear the call to go so loudly, it aggravates me to see that some people doubt their presence on a simple missions trip. It aggravates me how much pain and suffering and heartache is taking place and people are sitting down in their living rooms wondering if God wants them to go or not. 

Please.

Do you not hear that? Do you not see it? He doesn't have to call you audibly. He doesn't have to pull you physically. 

-Today 24,000 children under five will die of preventable causes such as diarrhoea, malaria and pneumonia.

-Every day, more than 7,500 children under the age of five die as a result of under-nutrition.

-Almost 1 billion people don't have access to safe drinking water and 3.575 million people, mostly children, die every year from water-related diseases.

-The number of us living with HIV today is around 33.4 million, 68% in Sub-Saharan Africa.
- There are about 250,000 children currently serving in armed conflicts for both rebel groups and government forces in various Asian countries, parts of Latin America, the Middle East, Europe and most critically in Africa.

-Between 158 million and 218 million children aged 5 to 14 are engaged in child labour – that’s at least one in six children in our world. At least 126 million of these kids are involved in hazardous work.

-Close to 1 million people commit suicide throughout our world each year which exceeds both annual total homicides and annual deaths by war combined.

-90% of child deaths in Ethiopia alone are preventable

-Pregnancy related deaths are the leading cause of deaths worldwide for girls aged 15 – 19.  

Have you ever heard God cry? 

I want you to. I think it would change you. I know it's changed me.

I think if you heard God weep you would never doubt again doubt your call to help. 

I made this video without fully realizing what it entailed, but now as I look at it I understand better.
This is your call. This is a chance to do something - to change those statistics.
Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHLs_RqeKkY
                        www.gtsf.org
Want other ways to get involved? There are tons, literally. Check some of the links out below.
Don't let this be something you read and then go on with your life as it was.
Please.
Do something.

http://www.compassion.com/
http://www.convoyofhope.org/

http://www.i-heart.org/change.php?strtype=idea
http://www.i-heart.org/index.php

http://www.krochetkids.org/
http://www.usaid.gov/fwd/