Life won't wait on the wounded.

A couple of sun-kissed moments later
After a wave of everything comes storming my way,
I am left here.
Uncertain.
Unattained.
A guitar in my hands and emotions brimming on my heart,
I strum the familiar chords
and I remember.
I remember every laugh.
I remember every smile.
I remember every moment when I was brought alive
Almost complete.
Almost, but not quite.
I remember being almost content.
Almost, but not there.
Almost.
I was almost happy.
I remember flashing scenes
Regular life meshed with hearty dysfunction.
Dysfunction was life,
and I was ok with it.
I remember crying,
warm tears streaming down my cheeks
every time my heart was lashed at.
I remember feeling confusion,
lost causes met with incomplete silence.
I remember feeling frustrated,
lacking in what I wanted to be and being pushed into who I resisted becoming.
But I became that person eventually.
I remember feeling safe,
forcing myself to feel safe
when I was anything but safe.
Despite the fear that I knowingly ignored, I persisted.
Despite the warnings that seemed to pop up everywhere, I became ignorant.
Despite the caution in my spirit, I sprinted in the wrong direction.

Because it had become my home.
Even now, through flashes and fear, chaos and peace,
my heart finds the smallest piece of itself somewhere else,
lost in a past that I was forced to move forward from
behind in a dream that almost seems like it was yesterday.
Sore.
I'm sore.
Running, pushing, waiting, using
Helping, thriving, living, striving
with a dull throb of a reminder in the back that I know must eventually fade.

Why is it that the faster you attempt to heal from something, the harder it haunts you?
Because around every corner there is a chance to be who I was
who is almost unfamiliar in light of the person who sits here now,
typing and wondering how it all happened.
But "everything I was I'm now running from.
I'm never looking back."
I can't look back.
Why does it hurt so much?
Why does pain have to be so painful?
Why do memories have to haunt you for agonizing hours?
Why do places fill you with remorse and heartache?
Because life doesn't sit still,
And life doesn't wait on the wounded.
In the midst of the drama of emotion and the abrupt halt of consistency,
life persists.
It moves.

It pushes on with or without your consent.
I've lost too much time knowingly and unknowingly being ignorant of the will of God,
and life has handed me a slap to get me back to reality.
This is my life now,
will I live in it or will I live from the past of it?
Will I push on with it
or will I avoid it in attempts of recreating shackles?
Will I let hurt become an anchor
or will I attempt to be anchored to nothing less then Jesus Christ?
I feel it,
His will.
His presence.
Chipping, breaking, grinding everything down to dust
So that He might rebuild.

He smiles, because through my stark change in direction
and heavy change of focus,
He's been waiting for this moment.
He's been anticipating this summer,
and when He smiles I feel it
and I know I'm doing something right.
"Not my will, but Yours" has never meant so much,
because I'm realizing now that it changes your life.
So through every weighing down possibility factor,
I am reminded that I am more than a conqueror.
This is my Everest,
and I will climb it until I
reach
the
very
top
and when I take in the air of overcoming
I will be the mountain climber He always dreamed me to be.
And even though I'm not there yet
Not who I need to be
And far from who I was
He sees me as is and as I will be.
So, I climb.

Climb on, friends.
You are not alone.
We're in this together.

Three years later.

Today, through so much happiness and joy, I am soberly reminded of a friend I had 3 years ago named Johnson Ko. It's amazing how something can stay with you for so long, even though so much time has passed. All it takes is one moment and you're back to where everything happened. My friend Johnson passed away my senior year of high school. We had carpooled everyday to school and back since we both lived in the city and school was a little over 20 minutes away. During this time I really got to know him and see his family, along with all sides of his personality. There's only so much that people see and can tell about you at school. It really comes down to what you put out there, but you really learn a lot about a person when you visit their homes and ride with their parents, wait on them to get ready, and have conversations in the car about school, work, and classes. You don't necessarily have a choice in what they see then, because they see you in multiple environments.

There was something funny about my friendship with Johnson, mainly that he always made fun of me. But we made it into a running joke and I will admit that I AM quite unpredictable at times, so it all played in together. We embraced it, for the most part, and we just laughed. I have all these memories of laughing with him, or laughing at myself. He also could always tell when something was off or wrong with me, and he would actually make an effort to ask what it was. I usually didn't tell him. I usually brushed it off and let him figure it out for himself. He usually did.

I remember giving a speech on the day of my graduation from high school introducing a song about heaven and tying it into the death of my friend: "You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong. This song will always have a tie to this loss for the rest of my life.  I remember saying that "You Hold Me Now" was a reminder that Johnson was in heaven, and what we all hope for as Christians we will one day come to see there. God granted me the grace and honor to know that Johnson was happy in His presence through that song and through a powerful encounter I had with Him in a church service.
I KNOW Johnson is in heaven. I KNOW he is free and fully satisfied. I know it.

There is so much uncertainty in life. I never knew that Johnson would never get to graduate. I never knew that we wouldn't be randomly talking on Facebook about college or life. I didn't anticipate it.

In my life today there is so much uncertainty with what I have and where I'm going, but I'm encouraged by these words my good friend Johnson wrote in an essay our senior year in high school, and I hope you will be too. It's in remembering these words and the memory of our friendship that I can look forward and know with certainty where my future lies:
"In my short life, bitter and sweet times fill up the past. The bad times are bearable only with the presence of good times. These good times give preparation to endure the harder times. In this way, the past affects the future and sometimes restrains the future, yet your future ultimately depends on what you will make of it...Though I have no clear vision of the future, I plan to walk by faith without sight. However, while the inability to see into the future or the goals that will limit is fearful, being led by the hand of God places exhilaration and enjoyment in that life. My future will not be something I can predict, given the sovereignty of God, but it will be mind boggling to see a life given to God unravel."

Love is the movement.

For me, love is so special and so real and has the power to alter you so much that it should be treasured. It should be honored and revered. I think that what I see a lot is that people have lost it.
Love doesn't hold the same meaning and weight that it should. It's flippantly displayed and boasted and then it's mind is changed but days later. That's not love, and if it is I don't want it.
I don't think that love should change it's mind immaturely. I think that when it does and it's been publicly displayed on social networking sites that it leaves people looking foolish.
And it annoys me. But seriously:
If love is supposed to be so special, honoring, and treasured, maybe we should treat it so.

Love should be respectful, but maybe even the concept of love should be respected.

I read this quote in a book the other day that goes along these lines: Maybe it'd be the best thing for you if your greatest fear came true, because then you'd realize that it isn't the end of the world.
There's this world outside what you think - how you think, how you feel, what you feel.
There's this world out there: outside your box, outside your reality, outside anything you know to be true. I'm currently living in that world. I didn't think it were ever possible, but it is. I'm here. A long time ago one of my greatest fears came true, and I realize now
It's not the end of the world.
It never was.
It was the end of a world I myself had created and made my own.
But that world faded, and the real world hit. Hard? Maybe a little. But all the more, very real.

People - If we are supposed to love like God loved us, how foolish are we into showing love and affection one moment and then changing it the next? This isn't even in reference to relationships - it's just in general. What does that show everyone? What does it show each other? How can we say we're like Christ when we change our minds on a daily basis & never follow through with our commitments?

One of the bravest things I have ever seen anyone do is stick it out and stick around. That's the stuff that you see that stays with you, that really means something. When I'm brave enough to say to you: "I love you so much that I'll stay," "I love you so much that I won't let you do this alone," or "I love you so much that you shouldn't be afraid of me changing my mind" and actually follow through, then that's real love and courage, because doing that is one of the greatest challenges you'll ever face: consistency and commitment.
I wonder sometimes how God feels when He extends those words to us and we display the opposite in return.

If we are to be ANYTHING like Christ let's take a step changing our actions revolving around love. It's in realizing and fixing this that one of the greatest feats can be achieved: unity.
Love should be the thing that attracts people to us, not the hypocrisy that turns them away.

He makes all things new. That includes me.

You know what makes bad days better? Owl City releasing a new EP. It doesn't even necessarily mean that I think this is his best work or anything, his music is just happy. There are lot of things about today that made me sad. When the two met in the middle, I got pulled up. New music is like a breath of fresh air: a new mindset, a new start. It made me so happy in contrast to everything else that had happened.

I guess the decision has been made that I'm moving on. For real?
And if there was any ever doubt that I had the greatest people in my life, it's gone. I've decided to take up all these people on their offers to help me out. What a thought! It humbles me so much. I'm so fortunate to have all these people here for me. In this crazy, upside-down reality that I'm currently living in, it's nice to know that people have my back.

I could vent, and rage, but that's never really been my thing. I'm the suppressor, right? Well, I don't think I'm suppressing this time. This time, I'm breathing it in. I'm letting it happen, and after all of it is over I can't wait to see where I'll be. I'm not even necessarily anxious to get through it all (disregarding the whole pain aspect of it all, of course). I just wish I had all my dear east coasters with me for the process (Can my twin just get here already?!). It's practically the only downside to being here. Thank God for technology, right?

One of the most comforting thoughts to exist in the entire world is: I'm not alone.
I, Tabatha Beiser, am not alone.
I felt it so clearly today, even through all the stinging and numbness.
Hey, you reading this. You're not alone either. If I can do this, you can too. Don't give up.
Don't turn back, either.
I can't even imagine what is in my future, but I know that it's gotta be pretty great if I have to go through this right now. Someone told me today I must be doing something right or there wouldn't be this many cannons coming my way. You can still be doing the right thing and have your life be tumbled.

I put this on repeat during my 4 mile ralk (walk/run) today:
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things out of us.
You make me new
You are making me new.

I believe it. He makes all things new. That includes me.
I'm going to make it.

There's greater in my destiny then what's been in my history.

I am now typing to you as a senior in college. 

ME. A senior. In college. (Excuse my asthma)

If you're surprised, well, so am I. 

I've pushed so hard all of my college career in order to graduate with the class of 2013. With all the transferring I did, it was inevitable that I was going to lose credits. To make up, I pushed myself to take 19, 20, 21 credit semesters. This past semester was the first semester in over a year where I took the normal 16 credit load. Needless to say, I wish every semester could be like this one. I felt like I could breathe. With all that work in mind, I can say to you that I will be graduating in a year from now. 

May 2013. 

It's weird. It's different. It means a season of my life is about to end, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with that. It means I need to make life choices soon, and that can be intimidating. 

I want to DO something with my life. I have all this passion and hope to blaze a trail, but I never realized that blazing a trail is hard work. Sometimes I want to doubt the dreams that God has placed in my heart, but I need to realize that He wouldn't have placed those dreams there if He didn't intend for them to come to pass. 

These dreams are huge, and I'm so small. I'm a little crouton in a big crouton world (I hope someone gets that reference). But God gave them to me. He handed me a piece of His heart a few years ago, and I can feel it beating inside my soul sometimes. When I stop and think about this moment: all the loss, the pain and fear, the hunger, hopelessness, and helpless eyes that are looking for some sort of reconciliation, my heart becomes so passionate that I can't believe that God would actually allow me to take part in something that I feel so strongly about. Then I realize that the passion that I feel about my call is only a fraction of what He feels about it. He gave me part of His heart, His vision, His plans. He lets me feel only the smallest bit of what His heart contains at all times. 

I don't deserve it. Not at all. I am the one that should be sent away, or cast off. 

I'm so grateful for my call. Beyond-words humbled by His will and choices. 

He still wants to use me, guys. 

This college senior is going back to San Francisco this summer to work as camp coordinator for summer events at her church. 

I get to do this. 

I get to live out some portion of something I'm extremely passionate about, and not only live it out but plan it myself. I get the opportunity to partner with amazing people that I consider my family, who have stuck it out and spoken to me by their actions that the greatest sign of commitment to God is commitment and consistency in His church. 

I keep thinking to myself, I get to do this! 

With all that in mind, I want to say that at the end of this school year, I couldn't be more grateful for the friend support system that I have now. Seriously. It's something that I can't believe He would give to me. I look at my friends and I thank God, because I'm so lucky. I get to be friends with these amazing people. I have the opportunity to join with others and be myself. It's amazing. 

Summer 2012, here I come. 

At all times.

I take note of all the different seasons I've gone through and as I look back on my life something very noticeable comes to mind: they all pass.
Every season has an end.
This is something I've been learning for a while now. It comes in more handy when you're going through a harder season. You need something to cling to, or someone.
Over and over, I try to cling to anything else that seems to make sense at the time until I'm left at a point where this is no sense in trusting and relying on anything other than Jesus Christ.
Everything changes. All the time.
I wish things could sit still for one second.
But then it wouldn't be life would it?

I hear His voice amidst the chaos.
I sense His calm in the middle of my fear.
I feel His hand reach out to mine when I begin to panic.
And I see His eyes that shout for me to trust Him.
"I am not the God of your panicked moments and crisis'," He says to me.
"I am God at all times. I am God for a lifetime."
Each time I try to resist, because who could love someone like me?
A failure. A fool. A liar and a betrayer.
He could. He does.
I see the leaves changing and the temperature is soon to follow.
I notice how my environment is shifting and all at once there is a stark contrast between my past and my present that is so obvious, I cannot help but stare.
I look up and I see Him. I look around me and I can't help but become aware of who He is.
He takes my hand and guides me into this new season, and there is a warmth inside that comes only from knowing that He is here, and that's usually all that I need to know in order for the empty places inside of me to cease being empty and rest at ease.
Uncertainty erases itself. Unease becomes peace.
Chaos becomes quiet and hope hangs confidently in the air, ready for a harsh moment to reveal all the potential and life that comes with the knowledge that my trust in Him will not prove futile.
With this in mind, I wait expectantly for new seasons.

A big shout out to friends who stick around.
You're appreciated more than words can say and loved more than I can possibly express.

Travel itch.

I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list -Susan Sonta