A list and an outlook

 List of positives to ponder and get excited about for the upcoming months:
1. My sister is coming to visit me in 2 weeks
2. In 2 weeks I will be 19 years old
3. I get to go home in March
4. I'm going out of the country twice this summer

This is all that I can think of at the current moment. Call my mood dull, dismal, or simply grey, but either way I don't like it at all. If you can think of anything to add to my list I would greatly appreciate it.
To keep myself out of this frame of thought I took pictures this weekend and allowed myself to jump onto a creative outlet.  What follows are some shots from Haverhill, MA...

A day just like any other (kind of)

You know those times where everything seems to go insanely wrong, you're exhausted, you're having a hard time in general, you just want to hide away, and you're thinking "Wow, what else could possibly happen?"

But then

...Something totally changes that and somehow makes it better for a small portion of time? 

Well, here's my face for that: 

Welcome to my day :)

Goodbye, 2010

My time in San Francisco is quickly coming to a close. I leave on Tuesday! That's 2 days away, soon to be one day away at the rate time passes me by at night. I think this month off has given me a lot of time to recover from the semester. I think the past few months have been the most stress-filled moments of my entire life all crammed into one, close time period and even though my semester for this spring looks tough I really hope that things will be different.

There's just so stinking much to think about! And of course this is such a me thing to do! Plan out years ahead instead of months ahead. Or even plan out months ahead and stress about it ahead of time. It's time to take a breather, and I think that is what this Winter break has given me.
Now, I really don't have all the answers. I don't always know what I'm talking about or trying to say but I do know that whatever this year holds for me, God has it under control. I think last semester really proved that for me. I think one day I'll look back at last semester and it will be such a huge part of my testimony. I know that God will use those short, few months to reach people (and here I am wishing for the future again :). What can I say? It's going to be great.
In other news, I'm writing music again. If you know anything about me, this is a big deal. I stopped writing music a while back because it reminded me too much of a hard thing and I became discouraged and overwhelmed with everyone's amazing talents around me.

Ahem. 

Picture yourself in a grocery store, Starubucks, or baseball stadium minding your own business. The lights dim, the people become quiet, and fuzzy words come on over the loudspeaker(who knew Starbucks had one?): "Hello, world," a deep voice says dramatically, "Tabatha is coming back slowly but surely. Give her a few more minutes and she'll be back in full swing."

Ok, it might not happen but having an imagination rocks.

It's amazing how much it takes to bounce back, but here I am. Bouncing back. No one truly knows what exactly that means but it's a pretty big deal so just be happy for me and don't get me down! :) Thanks, friends.

We're all looking like zombies

I keep having the phrase "remember when" pop into my head with mixed results. Now, it can be good to recall memories but on another hand it can be hard to see how things have drastically changed.

There are these times where you remember things with a sobering sense of sadness in the air and you realize, what makes me think that I can't achieve that or have that sense again? 

When did I become so mediocre that this memory seems so long ago? 

Why can't I laugh as hard or smile as big? 

Why can't I push my entire heart to the next level and run into an even fuller sprint towards the things that God has for me? 

When did I become boring?

You see, a rather large goal of mine is to never let that happen. I never want to become boring. I never want to settle down and go through life living each day "as is". The days that make up my life are my life! I want to fully indulge myself in the joy that is around me, the spontaneity that exists in every decision, and the possibility of endless adventures and results due to the pure cause of wanting to have them. 

I don't want you to expect what I am going to say. 

I want to be as random and fun loving as possible. 

I want to surprise you. 

I want you to look at me and see someone who is focused, spontaneous, and fully in love with a Creator who has helped her realize that it's ok to indulge in yourself. 

God made me this way. Why should I try to hide it?

I love being artsy. I love taking pictures. I love directing and editing short films. I love the breath of air you take in when you first step onto a beach. I love being barefoot. I love playing guitar when it's just Jesus and I. I absolutely love laughing. I love when an idea I've been working on or playing around with comes together. I love getting excited! 

I love even more that Jesus has made me what I am, takes me as I am, and loves me as I am - personality and all.    

Listen, this is your life. This is it. One run-through. 

Come on. 

Let's act like we're alive or something!

Release.

Fighting back and having conflict at all usually just isn't worth it to me (Even though in some cases it probably should be). Instead, I'll let you do what you want to do, say what you want to say, and keep what you have stolen from me and I'll run to my secret place. 

I wish I was at the beach right this very second.

Why the beach?

There is never a moment when I am at the beach where I can deny that there is a God. 

(if you can I think that takes more effort)

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Officially Declared

So this December seems to be passing me by faster then any I can remember. It's already the 12th? When did all that happen? This week finals begins and then on the 21st I'm flying home. I'm really excited for this semester to be over with and for break to be here so some serious relaxing can occur.
I have my schedule for next semester and it's a doozy to even look at. I'm taking on 19 credits.  I keep reminding myself that that's not set in stone. I can always change it or drop a class next semester if things get to out of hand.
On a pretty nifty note, I declared my major for my BA altogether! This is a big deal! I finally know what I'm doing with my college stuff for now :) It feels awesome.
Currently I'm sitting in my overheated room with the fan on, typing away and eating Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses (who knew such a wonderful invention existed?). Kayla is sprawled upon my floor out cold. She spent most of the weekend in here and slept over last night as well, so my room is very cozy with blankets and pillows on the floor (I love it). It's raining outside and the chilly weather has definitely hit (it was 12 degrees at some point last week). I'm about to embark on another finals or homework related task and I can't help thinking: How lucky am I?

This is my life. Thank you, Jesus. 

Good Night

A good night conversation with my Daddy- the King of Kings, Master, Ruler, Giver, Friend, Commander, and Lover of my Soul:
"Hi Daddy. I love you. I wonder sometimes how you bear to love me. I mess up and I fail a lot," I whisper quietly.
"I love you, Child," I hear Him say.
"I love You too. Can I rest?"I ask shyly, looking down with my cheeks getting red.
And He nods. I climb up onto my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder. His arms engulf me and I smile to myself.
"I love talking to you like this. I wish I could just stay here all the time," I say in a content tone.
God smiles as I breathe deeply and I feel His smile over me.
"I love You," I say, almost drifting off to sleep.
"I love you more then you will ever know- More than you know now, more than you will ever know in the future and more than you have ever realized," He says back to me. I take a moment and let that sink in. I have my own personal "Selah" times with God every now and again. "More than you will ever know" He says to me again.
"It's supposed to snow tomorrow," I say in a silly tone and then I laugh. I'm not ashamed of what I say because God knows who I am and He fully understands me. In fact, He appreciates my qualities and openness to be who I am with Him. He made me this way, after all.
I go on to tell Him about what's on my mind. My thoughts - everything from the weather to how I'm feeling and I end with a very serious thought that He doesn't respond to.
And God doesn't have to answer. Sometimes He just lets me talk. Sometimes all I feel and know with such certainty is that He's listening. And sometimes... that's all I needed to know in the first place.

Goodnight world.