“Sometimes you may have to go through doors where only one person will fit.”

There's only one me. 
Only one Tabatha Beiser in this entire world (or Tabatha Schmabatha, for that matter). God has created a plan for my life that is specific and unique. No one else has it. No one else can claim it but me. 
I may sometimes get off track or distracted, but His plans and promises won't change. 
The path I'm walking and the places I'm going aren't going to look like anyone else's paths or places, because this plan that God has made for me... no one else has lived it out. 
I'm the only one who gets to do it. 
So when I say that "God has a plan for my life", or "God has a plan for your life", you have to realize that no one else has that plan but me, or you. 
There's only one you. There's only one me. That's it. 

Angels?

I have always respected Jason Upton. It was never about his vocal accuracy or being on point musically for him. Those are all things people aim for and I believe sometimes over-aim. Sure, there needs to be an even level, I understand. But that aside, I've respected that he's always had this intense, noticeable heart cry in all his songs. You just KNOW he's worshipping. You know he's in the presence of God. It's so evident in his voice, in his songs...

Listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6jRPpHzwCE

It's blowing my mind. I know what you're thinking, but it really is.
Get to around like 4:50. Go ahead. It's kinda creepy, I know. BUT you know that synth-y noise? Or the 3 part harmony? Or the choir?
Jason Upton was the ONLY one who's microphone was on and being recorded vocally. ALL of those voices came only from his mic, too. Everyone that night heard those voices singing.
There was a kid in the audience who said he saw an angel singing behind Jason Upton. They weren't sure if they were being recorded or not.
It was.
Dude. Angels? Recorded? Brings me chills. Give it a chance.

And I'm probably like 500 years behind on this, but still...

Smile. You're beautiful.

The other day was pretty rough. Nothing majorly wrong happened, it was just a day where I was going nonstop with crazy work! Plus it was dark and grey out, raining everywhere. I ran to the library and as I was heading inside I saw one of my friends on stage playing acoustic guitar. 

I love acoustic guitar. 

I walked over to say hi and he said hello. We’re not that close, but close enough. We’ve had good conversations here and there. I consider him a friend and only that. After a minute or so of him plucking the strings and tuning every now and again and he looked up at me and said: “You know, I don’t know if you’ve heard it lately or in general, but you’re beautiful.”

“What?” I replied. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I was watching you play piano in chapel this morning and it just hit me and I thought to myself: ‘Wow, she’s gorgeous.’”

I said thank you as he jokingly began hitting chords and making up a song with my name in it. I don’t take that the wrong way. I know we’re just friends, and he’s definitely the kind of friend that can get away saying stuff like that. It brought a ray of sunshine through my literally cloudy and rainy day. 

So, I don’t know if anyone’s told you this lately,

but you’re beautiful.

Like gorgeous, amazing, talented, awesome and specifically created to be you.  

Don’t take this as flattery. I'm being honest. 

Smile.

You’re beautiful. 

Do something.

Have you ever heard God scream?

I have. 

In Malawi, Africa. Every morning when I heard the Africans crying out in blinded deception I heard God scream. I looked at His tear-stained face and saw the very image of pain and agony. 

"Shouldn't your heart break for these people?" He said to me. 

Have you ever heard God scream?

I have.

When I was in Cairo, Egypt.

Where 98% of the 25 million people there are Muslim. Where all of those people then, fasted in order to obtain peace approval from something that wasn't real. 

As someone in the city explained how much closer they felt to their god after fasting I heard the voice of God cry out in pain. He was screaming and weeping. 

Have you ever heard God cry?

I did. 

Today in chapel. I was reminded of how His heart breaks for theirs. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I felt a knot tie itself in the center of my heart as God whispered to me: "Cry for my people, and what you feel will be only a fraction of what is in my heart."

How easily we forget God's heart. 

I can hear the call to go so loudly, it aggravates me to see that some people doubt their presence on a simple missions trip. It aggravates me how much pain and suffering and heartache is taking place and people are sitting down in their living rooms wondering if God wants them to go or not. 

Please.

Do you not hear that? Do you not see it? He doesn't have to call you audibly. He doesn't have to pull you physically. 

-Today 24,000 children under five will die of preventable causes such as diarrhoea, malaria and pneumonia.

-Every day, more than 7,500 children under the age of five die as a result of under-nutrition.

-Almost 1 billion people don't have access to safe drinking water and 3.575 million people, mostly children, die every year from water-related diseases.

-The number of us living with HIV today is around 33.4 million, 68% in Sub-Saharan Africa.
- There are about 250,000 children currently serving in armed conflicts for both rebel groups and government forces in various Asian countries, parts of Latin America, the Middle East, Europe and most critically in Africa.

-Between 158 million and 218 million children aged 5 to 14 are engaged in child labour – that’s at least one in six children in our world. At least 126 million of these kids are involved in hazardous work.

-Close to 1 million people commit suicide throughout our world each year which exceeds both annual total homicides and annual deaths by war combined.

-90% of child deaths in Ethiopia alone are preventable

-Pregnancy related deaths are the leading cause of deaths worldwide for girls aged 15 – 19.  

Have you ever heard God cry? 

I want you to. I think it would change you. I know it's changed me.

I think if you heard God weep you would never doubt again doubt your call to help. 

I made this video without fully realizing what it entailed, but now as I look at it I understand better.
This is your call. This is a chance to do something - to change those statistics.
Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHLs_RqeKkY
                        www.gtsf.org
Want other ways to get involved? There are tons, literally. Check some of the links out below.
Don't let this be something you read and then go on with your life as it was.
Please.
Do something.

http://www.compassion.com/
http://www.convoyofhope.org/

http://www.i-heart.org/change.php?strtype=idea
http://www.i-heart.org/index.php

http://www.krochetkids.org/
http://www.usaid.gov/fwd/

The tug on your t-shirt.

6:04 am. Your alarm goes off. You hit the snooze button.
6:14 am. The alarm persists. You frustratingly look at the ceiling and try to close your eyes and block out all noise. It doesn't work.
You get out of bed and as you pull your bathrobe over your shoulders it's almost like you feel someone tugging at it. But you shrug and continue on with your morning.
Lunch time rolls around and as you're surrounded by crowds of people you feel it again. You think it's peculiar, but many things are peculiar nowadays so you push on and eat your full plate of food, leaving half of the meal on the plate and taking off to your next assignment.
You work all afternoon. You drink bottles of clean water and have the comfort of air conditioning as you drearily complain about the work load or how tired you are, and with every word you speak you feel that tugging again. And again. And again.
You're walking back to your home and as you pull open the front door and think about what you should eat for dinner the pull is so much stronger. It feels like someone tugging at your clothes, trying to get your attention. It's enough that you can ignore it but not enough that you don't notice it.
Because it's there.
You've been around the world.  You've seen many things that people have not had the opportunity to. The images that your eyes have beheld are something that only few get a chance to every venture out and experience firsthand.
And you feel that little hand tugging on your t-shirt. You look down, and there she is.
You remember that face. And as she smiles in a worn-out, old fashioned dress that isn't her size and chases after you with dirty, calloused feet, dust splattered around her face and hair. She still looks up at you and smiles, almost as if she's saying: "Don't forget me, ok?"

I won't forget you.

And there's this other sense you have that someone's not only been following you, but trying to grab your hand. You are a little discomforted, but not put in any physical or emotional pain by this thought.
As you reach for the fridge to get out your dinner he grabs your hand instead.
He won't speak.
He will barely look at you.
He holds your hand. And that's it. That's all he wants.
You look him in the eyes, get down to his level and after many tiring efforts of communication there's a moment where you get him to smile, and when he smiles his eyes light up the world, almost as if the fact that he has no shoes, proper nutrition, or shelter doesn't matter. Because you made him laugh.
He calms down, holds your hand tighter and nervously looks around. When your eyes finally meet it's almost as if they say, "Don't forget me, ok? I'm still here."

I won't forget you.

As you walk to the living room you get a nagging feeling that someone is watching you. You turn around, and there she is. And honestly, I think she just wanted to feel special for once. You could see it in her eyes. So you take her under your wing for the entire remainder of the time you have there, and when you're leaving and everyone begins to bug her and make fun of her, you pick her up and carry her towards the bus. A huge smile crosses her face up as she looks around and sees everyone from your perspective so high up. No shoes, covered in dust, bright smile. She points at your camera as you put her down and as you take a picture and you see this new look about her, you can't help but wondering if she just wanted to be remembered.

I remember you.

Malawi 2011. 

Exhibit A

In total, this summer I went to 6 different countries. I happened to jet across three continents in three days. That's a lot of time zones.
It almost doesn't seem real, but yesterday it hit me all the amazing things that happened this summer. All the amazing things that God accomplished that I got to see happen in the past few months. There's so much.

Let's start with something that happened at home.
I need to write it down so I don't forget it myself.
Youth camp this summer was amazing in a different way. I didn't fall out or get blasted across the room, but I did have the chance to minister during altar call times through music.

I am hesitant- I guess that's a good way to put it- sometimes about what I can do. I don't like putting it out there. I don't like waiting to be used either though, so it's a lose/lose situation. I feel like if someone else possesses a gift that I have then why should I be used in that gifting? So there was a lot of discouragement that hunkered around my quiet need to be used.
When I left school in May I cried. I cried really, really hard because it was the first time in a long time that I was in the environment that I had always wanted to be in. I was worried that going home, I would lose that sense and I would also be reminded of all these terrible things that had happened that would overtake my new-found placing.

Lots of information, I know. Stick with me. Just giving you some background.

So, while I was leading worship for altar call the first night I was terribly nervous at first.
Terribly, terribly. I didn't want to mess up. It also helped that one of my favorite speakers in the entire world was giving the message.  After most of the songs had happened during the message, the speaker came up to me during the middle of altar call and said: "You're doing phenomenal, you really are. I mean it. I would go to battle with you any day."
I almost started crying right there. Later on he also called me out and said to play something that God had put on my heart. Something that I had played over and over by myself in my room that burned within me.
I knew immediately what song it was. I had played this song numerous times on guitar in my room. It seemed etched inside of my very soul. It was my heart's cry. It was my constant reminder of what my focus was. I changed the chords and the mood shifted inside of my heart. This was my heart's song. The song that whenever I played it the insides of me screamed so loudly and almost vocally that I'm surprised no one heard it.
I played and sang that song in front of everyone that night. The endless hours I had spent being patient to be used, worshipping on my own, and learning the right chords on guitar for it seemed worthless compared to the impact it had the opportunity to make.

Now, my heart can be a funky place at times (yes, I said funky). It's all over the place on certain days, but there are some pretty consistent desires and dreams that I have deeply placed and rooted in my heart. Some of those desires and dreams I have waited and waited for. I have prayed and cried over these dreams and still it seems like they have not happened. Some of the desires in my heart I've had to give up. I've had to let a lot of things and people go. It's deeply etched inside of me: what has been given, what I hold on to, what's been taken away, and what I'm waiting on.
As I looked over the crowds of people in my church being touched by the power of God I felt one of those desires rise. I had always wanted to be apart of something like this. I wanted to see masses get moved by the presence of God. And as I looked over the crowds of people, the desires of my heart that I had to give up or say no to pushed aside, God whispered very quietly to me and said: "See? I do see the desires of your heart."

What I've come to realize is that there are many people who feel forgotten by God. They think that waiting means He isn't true to His word, or that maybe the promises He made weren't important.
But they are. They are so important to Him and God wants the plans He has for your life to come to pass even more then you.

Want to hear something else pretty nifty? Someone once told me a long time ago that I would write songs that people would sing and hear. I had almost forgotten about that until that night where I played a song for altar call that I myself had written. And who would have thought that we played it the next night too? We did. It's definitely not my style to talk about that, but whoever told me I would write music  that people would worship to said it a long time ago. Maybe my last year of junior high kind of long time ago.

But guess what - it happened.


I was going to write about Africa, but I think this post is long enough. Here's a sneak peek for next time :)

PS: I don't steal photos! The pictures taken from youth camp worship are by Lazarus Pachigalla: http://www.facebook.com/clickamillion

Coming to a computer near you...

Blog people! People who follow my blog! People whom I love and cherish and appreciate!
Things have been hectic! I got back from AFRICA! I've been back from IRELAND! I'm now back in MASSACHUSETTS for college again! I haven't had tons of time to recoup, much less reflect, upload photos, and tell you about it. BUT this post is not about that. This post is to give you hope.
It's coming. A post is on it's way. Once I'm all moved in and some photos are on the computer and my life calms down for the slightest of a minute, you will have an update.
For now?
I'm alive! I'm breathing! I'm not dead! I will update! I do care! :)
You'll be hearing from me very soon!

EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!