If you can relate.

Your heart's pulsing and your breaths are short. Your eyes are avoiding contact with someone else as you try to smoothly pass them as though it means nothing. But we both know it means everything. And you stand there, paralyzed. It seems like everything stands still in this one moment; everything comes down to this one moment. It also doesn't seem fair.

I don't blame you.
Weeks of focus and agonizing hours of disbelief have crossed your path.
Minutes where your heart throbbed and your inner core shook.
I know those moments, and it's different for everyone. Maybe you're on edge instead of falling apart, or maybe it just stings a little bit instead of throbs. Maybe you're in a different place with it than other people. I mean, everyone's in a different place. Sometimes I'm at different places with it, and the same place, all at once with different people.
People I used to be so entirely comfortable with, who used to share with me in creating those memories that are so firm and sturdy in my mind that it's hard to shake them.

I wouldn't say that I'm at odds necessarily with anyone in particular, but I felt compelled to relate to that awkward phase in the middle.

If you relate at all with the first few paragraphs, you know what I'm talking about.
That faint throb or ache? That rush of nervousness? That just... icky feeling maybe that sits in because you don't necessarily know where to place someone anymore.
I think I'm encountering it more as I get older. I'm not necessarily fond of it.
Sometimes I come across a Facebook post, a simple act of one person writing to another on a virtual wall, and my heart just stops for a moment. It aches a little bit. A dull throb comes. It's almost like my mind is trying to comprehend it all: "I used to know you."

I don't mean just "know" either. I mean like, I used to know you. We used to share something together. You were once a part of my daily life. I once considered you a vital part of my social atmosphere.
And I let you know me.
And maybe this is why it aches, because you don't know me like that anymore and I don't know you like that anymore. We're friends, but that term would be used loosely.
And I'd really like to get away from all of that. All of this.
How do you place someone like that in your life?

I heard it said a while ago that you finally know you're over something when you can honestly wish the person who caused you pain the best. You can sincerely look at them in the eye, say you wish them well, and truly, genuinely mean it. While this might seem like a stretch for those who have fresher wounds, it caused me to think if I had the ability to do something with such sincerity. Was this something I was capable of doing?

I was sitting in a church service during the semester and my pastor was preaching on moving past barriers and breaking bondages. He mentioned unforgiveness as something that might hold you back, or be classified as a bondage. As he went through a list of other weights and barriers it was almost as if my mind was stuck on that one word: unforgiveness.
God spoke to me in that moment: "You haven't forgiven..."
He used someone's name. I won't repeat it here.

I was almost dumbfounded.
"Yeah, I have, right? I thought I did."

He didn't even have to reply to that. I knew how stupid I sounded.
"It was just so long ago, God."

Still no reply. Still a pretty lame excuse, and not entirely accurate on my part.
"It's just so huge, God."

And I felt it in my heart in that moment:
If I ever wanted to be able to look that person in the eye and truly wish them well,
I had to forgive them.

It's almost like I was about to turn the corner and come upon this huge breakthrough, and I was so terrified that I found my feet frozen in place, because what they had done was engrained in my mind. It almost marked me in a way. It scarred me tremendously and forgiving them of that, knowing that I was willingly letting it go, seemed too practical and easy. It was too simple.

But the fact was that to begin with, I hadn't even realized that I had not forgiven them. It was like this weight I had been carrying around with me was finally identified, and I was so used to it that it seemed illogical to release it (which is incredibly silly).

To me it was just a dull ache in my mind. A relentless, but seemingly tiny throb in my heart.
Something that hurt, but didn't kill; something that was noticeable, but not lethal.
But I was wrong.
And maybe with those anxious looks and awkward emotions, you haven't clearly defined it either.
But maybe, just maybe, you haven't forgiven them. And if you don't believe me, push pause on your crazy whirlwind life and ask yourself if you could truly wish, with all sincerity, someone that hurt you the best.

It's just a thought, but I would venture to say that it's a possibility.
And maybe you think it's impossible to do so, or too hard, or too much.
And I'm with you on that. It can seem overwhelming.
But it's not impossible.
And if the truth sets you free, maybe this vagueness is a lie holding you captive.
And the three words "I forgive you" could finally help you be sincere when you look at them again.

We often have a tendency to think that God is solely on our side whenever we're at odds, or at awkward phases, with other people. But God doesn't really have a side when it comes to this, because He wants everyone to come to Him. Who's to say that person who hurt you isn't praying to God about the situation as much as you are?

So maybe you just need to think it over, and re-evaluate where you're at, or begin to tell God that you're ready to forgive someone.
Whatever it is, you're not in it alone.
We're all in process together, so let that encourage you.
My best friend always tells me that a process is a process, and that as long as I'm moving forward and the process is moving, I must be doing something right and making progress.
Everyone's progress is different.

We're gonna make it. 

It's going to be worth it.
We're in this together, friend, and we're gonna come out on the other side victorious I just know it.

A glance at my story.

Life is not perfect, in fact it's usually the opposite

Growing down walls and outside windows 

Reaching in and grasping what's important, 

Sometimes taking it away. 

Pulling at the sides of your will until it all but crashes and burns, 

while you are left standing and trying to remember what strength used to feel like. 

You were strong once, right?

Sometimes I can't remember what it is,

But from what I remember, it's exhausting. 

Tasting of it's lack is remembering a powerless life. 

And I can hear a voice, screaming at me. 

It's yelling violently

Echoing off the windows and coursing down the walls

My heart breaks when the scream reaches my ears. 

Sand fills my mouth and my blood stops all motion

I am caught between words and action

I am lost in abyss and imagination

I am toiling in loss and wrestling with sorrow

while trying to fend off the all too familiarity of loneliness. 

Pain rushes my stomach until I can't stand

Memories swirl in my mind until I can't think 

Punching, pulling, aching, rolling

Aching in such a deep down way that your heart reflects 

nothing but shambles. 

Can anyone pick up my shambles? 

Tears are now robbing my vision.

Can anyone put me on my feet?

Stand with me?

Push me into position?

Steps. I hear steps. 

Someone is approaching me. 

The ferocity in my heart is drowning out everything else. 

They are standing in front of me, and I am everything but presentable. 

Words escape my mouth coming directly from my heart

There is no valve or blockage to differentiate the connection these two have 

"Teach me," I whisper. "Teach me how to love."

I hold on to the last string of hope that is rooted in my heart 

Hoping for change

Hoping for love

Hoping for difference.

There is silence. 

At last, His voice.

"You have to let me. Will you allow yourself to fall apart so that I may put you back together?"

Now the silence is on my end. 

There is peace resonating only inches away from me. 

There is hope and comfort and strength

within arm's reach. 

So close. 

I gasp.
Although I am in pain, the future of pain in my reply determines so much.
It's when you're at the end of yourself
And desperate enough
that change happens at all.

Slowly, I nodd.
Tears flowing down my cheeks and throbbing in my soul,
I brace myself for inevitable heartache.
But it's nothing as I imagine it to be
As He picks me up and His peace fills me
His hope enthralls me and
His strength becomes mine.
Like broken glass
and shambled art
I am sprawled and squished
I am lengthened and empowered
I am stretched so much and
I feel so much pain
That the brokenness is reduced to nothingness.
The shattered fragments are dust inside of me
And I realize
I am nothing without Him.
I sit in this.
I learn in this.
I rely on Him during this
believing this is not the end.
And as I grow confident once more,
He sees change.
Soon
Like putting stitches in wounded flesh
He begins to sew me back together
And it hurts.
I can't escape it
I can't run away
Because either way there is pain
and I might as well become whole while He is here.

He's wanted this for a long time,
I can see it in the way He handles me.
Careful,
patient,
persistent,
consistent.
He's not leaving.
He's not abandoning.
He's still working on me
He's still supplying my needs
through countless weeks of mending
millions of seconds worth of healing
There is still so much to put back together
And He remains.

In the midst of it all, my mending heart
is bursting with gratitude.
It hurts, it is like burning fire
cleaning away all impurity and
welding all the shattered fragments
So much brokenness,
but not for long.
Parts of me are already beginning to function properly again
Parts I didn't know were ever broken.

"You will be called Revived," He tells me,
"For I have taken you from the depths of brokenness, and am making you whole once more.
You are no longer who you were,
You are who I am mending you to become."

I am Revived.
Through this painful process
I am being made whole
and I want it.
I yearn for this
So that I might profit my Father
and bring glory to Him all the more.
May my focus be ever upon His face
as He puts me back together.
May I live Revived
So that one day
My life in response will revive others.

Define me.

Hello people of the world!
My name is Tabatha Beiser.
I was born in Ivory Coast, West Africa.
I am in my senior year at Bible College (currently in my last semester).
I've played piano since first grade.
I love taking pictures and writing.
I have long brown hair and hazel eyes.
All these things do not singularly define me as a person.

My definition of who I am can't be solely based in what I do and where I come from.

What is the first thing you do when you look at someone?
Do you assert their activities and responsibilities?
Do you recall who they are based on what you've seen them do?

First glances, and even second and third glances, aren't always accurate.

If first glances and impressions are all I carry with me of someone or something for the rest of my life because I refuse to take a second look, I fear that I might not really be fully living.

And if the definition of "Child of God" which is labeled on every human being in existence isn't recognized by us as the Body of Christ, I fear we're missing the point.

Breathe with me.

So I haven't posted in a while. I think it's a mix of being busy and lacking the motivation to write, which is very rare for me. Usually I find that I can write something down and it fits what I want to say or what I'm feeling. I even take pride in my writing every now and again. But lately, I would write something and not feel it was well-written enough to post.
Maybe it didn't flow enough.
Maybe I just didn't like what I said.
Maybe it lacked the charisma I want my writings to possess; the heart.
I want people to feel something when I write, because I actually enjoy writing most of the time.

So connect with me.
Make a touch point with me.
Put down the phone, unless you're out and about and that's how you're reading this (something I'm on quite often, I'll admit). Shut off the million other windows on your internet browser. Tune out the busy traffic and chaotic thoughts

and sit with me.

Hi. Can you hear me now?
The world gets pretty crazy, doesn't it?
It's nice to have just a minute to yourself, isn't it?
Breathe with me.
That was nice.
I don't know about you, but I feel like life is passing me by really quickly right now. It's like I'm pulled over on the highway and I'm watching the cars whiz by me. The car rumbles from the speeding vehicles, and it's scary to try and even think of pulling out at the rate the cars are coming and how fast they're speeding.

Can you believe it's Thanksgiving already? That 2013 is a month or so away from this very moment?
I can't.
Life... it's happening so fast. It's not that I'm unprepared to stuff myself with turkey, potatoes, and chocolate pie, it's just almost surreal to think that this upcoming year is full of complete shifts in direction. That an entire year is about to be behind me. I'm sorry, behind us. That has to be weird for you to think about as well.

Can I talk to you for a second? Just you and me?
I'm kind of scared.
I mean, if I had the option to hide in a really comfortable corner, I might not pass it up.
2013 is going to be a year of big change in my life, personally. I need to figure some things out. I find myself wandering aimlessly these past few weeks. I'm wondering where I'm going and how I'll get there. I called it getting back to "real life" today.
This is a pretty human thing to do.
To wonder, I mean. To try and figure everything out. I think fear probably fits in that category.
I've always had an uncomfortable struggle with change, but life change is especially horrifying.
I guess I should think of it as an adventure. That seems like it would be more enjoyable.

Over the past few years I've mentioned adventures to you: the adventure of life, the adventure of moving, the adventure of capturing each moment, or even finding adventures. I invited you on each of these adventures with me,
so I don't see why this adventure should be any different.
I think adventures mean so much more when people come with you, especially people you care about.
I'd like to think that I care about you.
So would you come with me? I need all the backing I can get.
As the holidays roll around, and as my chaotic brain kicks into hyperdrive, would you mind praying for me and sticking with me? I think you'd be the coolest.

And I'll keep you updated, don't worry.
I already know what most of you are thinking: "You have so many options", "You can go so many places", and "God will show you what to do", "Don't worry about it, you have your whole life ahead of you", and my personal favorite, "You don't know to know right now." I even have gotten many "That's ok" responses to my lack of direction, which I appreciate.
I think I just needed a moment to write it out and digest it, even admit that it's been on my mind.

I'm really glad I shared this moment with you, and that we got to cut out the world for a few brief seconds. Things get pretty overwhelming sometimes, don't they? Maybe we should try and make this a regular thing. I wouldn't mind it.

Amidst all of the chaos, the plans, the busyness, the hectic decisions, the stress, the problems that loom over your head and even your lack of direction, (because I figure there are some people out there like me), I'll remind you of something that I'm trying to remind myself of:

He's here. 

In this moment. 

Don't pass up noticing the presence of God exactly where you are, because He IS there. 

Right next to you.
Right next to me.
He's not taking off or booking it.
He hasn't moved.
There He is.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.

Psalm 23:2

I can sense His presence in the middle of overwhelming emotion and thought.

I can feel Him nudge me, and try to focus my mind on this important thing.
Have you even sat still recently long enough to notice that He's around?
If not, I'll pass you off to Him. You two should talk. He misses you.
And there it is: calm. Maybe not inside, because you two need to talk about some things,
But is it just me, or did the world around me all of the sudden get a lot quieter?
Did the weight on my shoulders slowly lift?
Did my room quickly grow still?


He says, 
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10

To...

To someone who lets me tag along while attaining to their responsibilities, and doesn't mind,
To someone who lets me live with her, even if we've done it for most our lives, and still loves me despite of me,
To someone who doesn't mind a phone call out of the blue or picking up where we left off, even if we haven't talked in months,
To someone who calls me on her drives to and from college, and still seems happy about it,
To someone who makes sure to text me every once in a while and check in,
To someone who keeps making time for me every so often, even if our lives are busy,
To someone who wouldn't mind a late-night phone call, but actually welcome it,
To someone who knows me well enough to know that I don't drink milk without eating Oreos, can read my facial expressions like a book, and keeps proving me wrong in the best sense of the phrase,

To the friends who still write me letters, even if I'm terribly slow at replying to them, 

To the friends I consider family,

To the number of people who try to keep in contact with me, even if I'm across the country and distracted by school
To the family who are what that word describes in every sense possible -

Words fail, but I wish you could see my heart in this moment.
Thank you.

May I Never Forget It.

I can only hope that the sort of incomplete, restlessness that
nestles its way into my night has to do with the
outside slowly making its way in
and the inside slowly trying to find a way out.
The two coincide together and mix until there's
a jumbled, disheveled painting of combined colors
melted paintbrushes
raw backdrop
and stiff ideality.
The soreness in my heart makes way for the brokenness to present itself,
And I've never been one to openly desire for brokenness to be present in my life
so this is a reminder that I truly am not in control,
as I try to fathom tender muscles and wobbly ankles.
Glimpses of some things that were continually flaunt their memories in my vision
galavanting in shiny wardrobes and blunt emotion.
I can't hide from everything,
and my wobbly ankles prove excuse for running very far from such a strong presence.
I can't hide. I can't run. I can't escape.
That's the point.
Life is out of my control,
like a gusting wind that comes about unexpectedly,
or a merge of stopped traffic that blocks time and makes impatience obvious.
If I can't run, or hide, or escape on my own
I must make a run, hiding place, or escape out of something
or Someone.

May every glance that my eyes journey to make,
every memory that my mind dares to recall,
every dark place that my heart tries to hide from,
and every nerve-wracking, tension-building, stress-discovering moment that I stumble into
be loosed in my Hiding Place,
my Escape,
my Refuge,
my Savior,
my Jesus.
May He be those things to my soul
and may I never forget it.

Down to business.

With elections right around the corner, I figure there's going to be tons of debating, loads of opinions, and a bunch of people thinking that they're right about what they believe in.

More power to you. Seriously. I think it's cool when people are interested in politics and what's going on in our country. It's a good thing to have a hold on. 

I was born in Africa and primarily raised in California. I went to a high school that was Republican/Conservative to the max. I knew their opinions and view points. I appreciated them. Growing up in San Francisco helped balance out the right wing perspective education I was receiving as well.  I then proceeded to have my first semester at SFSU, which was at the complete other side of the spectrum. Transitioning from that, I went to Missouri and then to Massachusetts. Both of those colleges being very Conservatively based as well. 

My dad is a Democrat and my mom is a Republican. I've heard both sides. I've seen both sides in action. I love both of my parents so much. I hear them discussing what they think in terms of politics often. It's not an unspoken rule in our home. We're open about what we believe politically.

So, my perspective might just be a tad different then yours. I have nothing against you having an opinion. Please, go for it. What I have an issue with is the blatant attacking or maybe the the haughtiness that comes alongside of thinking that your way is the right and only way. This is what aggravates me above anything else. The almost ... hate that comes alongside experiencing someone in a different party. The harsh abuse of words that we use, and how quickly offended we become and estranged from one another that makes us. 

I have seen both sides attacking the other, and I have also seen how hurtful it is. I've felt defensive of both sides, since my family is rooted in both. I've defended cases to both the right and the left and I've seen it do nothing but divide. But seriously, can you listen for a second?

I'm glad you have an opinion.

I'm glad you think you've done your research. 

I'm glad you believe in something.

But do you think yelling and fighting and pushing it in other people's faces makes them want to have anything to do with you? 

It doesn't.

I was in a high school class and they were debating abortion. Since all the Republicans were speaking up, the discussion really was basically gaining up on the other side without them being there to defend themselves. I'll never forget when a member of my class raised his hand and asked why abortion was wrong. It was a simple question, and he was being so genuine. The members of the discussion immediately attacked him. They responded in harsh words and gasps. They pretty much made sure he would never ask another question again. 

This frustrated me. 

When a classroom full of one party gains up on the other party, it frustrates me. 

They can't defend themselves. They're not actually there. How is that ok? 

And of course you'll be right - there's no opposition.

I've had a few of these experiences in college as well.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't lose yourself in something that can cut off other people so recklessly, and I would even dare to say foolishly. When you push your beliefs so angrily and obnoxiously in people's faces it honestly makes you unattractive. 

What's attractive?

An individual mind who isn't flustered because someone believes something that is different from their beliefs politically or who isn't offended because someone chooses to side with a different party even though they have the same faith.
I call these people mature. 

So here I am, at a Bible college on the East Coast during election time and I've already heard the debates and heat beginning. It's not bad. But bashing... it's not attractive. If I choose to believe something different then you, like who I think should win the election, will you treat me differently? Will you get angry at me and attack me without hearing me out? Will you try to make me believe what you believe even though maybe I've thought through what I believe too? 

And maybe you won't understand over your opinions and strong viewpoints. 

But I can't help but wondering that if we all just listened for a minute to what other people were trying to communicate to us, maybe our world would be a little less chaotic and more understanding. Maybe people wouldn't feel so cut off, because you're actually giving them a chance. 

It's just a bunch of jumbled thoughts from an African-Californian who hates being pigeon-holed and attacked because I grew up in a different environment then you, and believe something different then every other typical, right winged Conservative who goes to a Bible college. 

Sorry for the mouthful. Keeping it real.