There is no longer any way to ignore the ugliness that so ever invades my soul.
My very being cries out from the deepest part fathomable inside of me,
and I am drawn to the faint, distant, familiar voice that my heart puts forth
because there is nothing that is done by my own power to fix this need and
there is nothing wrong with recognizing the need in the first place.
But there is no denying that since this ugliness overtakes me
and my heart despises it so
that my soul longs for the beautiful.
I can see a need and I can recognize distress
I can push and scream until the naked blindness suddenly causes numbness to become my only emotion
and it's ok.
It's ok to scream. It's ok to yell.
"It's ok, you're ok" I slowly remind myself.
It's the remedy that I've used countless time for numerous recognitions.
But this time is different
because reminding myself of my acceptance of the ugly is not ok,
no matter how much I speak it or wish it to be.
Nothing about that is ok.
My soul longs for the beautiful and my heart despises the ugly
and I suddenly recognize that that is precisely how it should be
because the ugliness is a reminder to me that He is beautiful
and therefore I long for Him.
The ugliness is a persistent knock on the door to my decisions that tells me
God is my only fulfillment and desire.
The ugliness tempts me into ultimately destroying myself
and the beauty that is God shows me that I am a life worth saving not only to myself
but to Him.
Because I am precious in His sight, and oh how He is jealous for me.
How He longs to be with me, and how my soul longs to be with Him.
The longing for beauty inside of me draws to me to the ultimate realization
that God is my ultimate longing
and nothing else satisfies.
God is my love. Nothing else casts out the ugly.
My life is my love letter back to Him.
and the reality check that I am unfaithful shows,
but still I draw my pen and place it diligently to the paper time and time again
as I realize more and more
My soul longs for the beauty that only God can place inside of me.