Wednesday, October 27, 2010


flushing and raging
it's elevating
coursing through my veins
tracing out my stage
of presence here.
frustration, pure and simple
but then it's anything from
pure and simple.
Where do I know where I'm supposed to be?
How do I know what to do?
When will my visions and dreams, potentials and aspirations
follow through
with time?
Now. I need it now
Hole inside
Fullness outside
Conflict inside
Frustration outside.
Freedom here
Bondage there
Freedom anywhere
but here
but then freedom
here but no where else.
So much confusion.
Everywhere. All the time.
It never stops.
I could follow a rhythmic code
and go through with the patterns of life
When I get in this frustratinly odd mode
expression comes through writing out my strife
But I don't want to write like I'm supposed to
I want to write free
filled to the
brim with
difference of pure, unlimited
i want to live different
with enamourous growth and
unabtainable bliss
expressed in words that no one can express
lived with vigor that no one can possibly contain.
The world is drying, and pouding into my skull
how I am supposed to be
But I want
even if it means
just in this poem
So here is my frustration
written out
complex, confusing, chaotic
and outside
but here it is. At least it's here.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

a Suggestion

A lot of things in life are uncertain. Many people that you thought would never change did, and I guess it's just the process of life. In these processes, there can be both negative and positive elements. With two overwhelming and strenuous opposites, it's important to remember the little things.

The "little things" doesn't imply dwelling on the past or even holding onto hopes in the future. The little things is what you have now that when added together, make an amazing viewpoint.

All I'm implying is that doing something small, or going out of your way for a small amount of time, might make the difference to someone who has these uncertainties surrounding them. Because behind a smile is usually a heartache.
I know it would help me.
A phone call, letter, text, email. A smile, friendly suggestion, Bible verse, hug. A gift, a laugh, a hope, an encouraging word. These are all things that can seriously alter a tough day that would take maybe 5 minutes tops to accomplish. Be open to giving five minutes of your time away to change the status of someone else's day entirely.

I'm pretty convinced that if everyone agreed to try this for a week, there would be monstrous change in not only our lives, but the lives of those around us.
Just a suggestion in an ever-changing, uncertain world.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A 6:45 am wake up call

My alarm went off this morning at an early 6:45 AM, and I sleepily turned it off. Pushing off the shock of the sudden sound piercing the silence of my room, I laid back down only for a different alarm to ring again five minutes later (sometimes I'm too smart for myself!). This time I was wide awake. I jumped out of bed an overwhelming situation that I've been dealing with hit me head on. Everyone has problems. Everyone goes through hard times.
It was one of those moments where every single negative thing you've been pushing off for so long seem to suddenly overpower  you. It's like all the hard things decide to mock you in the face, saying: "You've been pushing me off for far too long! So it's my turn to pick the time to get to you!"
It was unexpected, to say the least.
I was so sad and very, very angry.
It was in the still moment that I realized I didn't want to deal with any of this anymore, and where my anger and sadness led to one of the best decisions of my day, possibly my week. It was in that moment of making a choice about my day that I decided I was tired of dealing with everything and this morning I was not going to become bitter about my situation! I decided I was going to run into God's presence wholeheartedly. I put on my clothes in a matter of 5 minutes (my family applauds, I know), grabbed my work for the day, and fled out the door by 6:55 AM. 
I began speaking to God once I was outside, saying: "If YOU can't help me with this, then I'm done. There's no where else I have to be right now to be. I only have to be with You." There was a hunger inside of me, and a reality hit me that being with God was the only thing that would help me.
And it is. Because I NEED God.
I ended up in the prayer chapel where another student was blasting worship music, which was perfectly fine with me. I began to cry out to God and that's where it hit me.
I've been so involved in my pain and hard situation, that it's become the "bigness" in my life. It had become the larger thing to overwhelm me more than anything else and I felt God tugging at my heart.
I prayed this prayer: Reverse the roles! Help me see that YOU are bigger than the pain, NOT the pain is bigger than You. Help me see reality.

Because God is bigger than my pain, doubt, fear, and troubles. Why? Because He's bigger than ME. God is bigger.
Than anything at all.
He's bigger and He alone should have the power to overwhelm me.
And that's my prayer from now on, all from my 6:45 AM wake up call.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

hello, goodbye

I guess this is hello. 
if this is how are to live.
so hello
in a scream
in a word
in a laugh
or from beside me. 


i guess this is goodbye 
if only for now
so goodbye
in a whisper
in a siren
in a storm
or from afar


Monday, October 11, 2010


Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart.
Pieces of me scatter everywhere and I don't know what to do with them. How to look at them. How to figure out how to pick them up and put them together again, because there are so many.
So I sit and I think and I hear God whisper to me promises that seem so far away. Promises about my future which is always too far ahead of my present. Promises from my past that always seem so far behind from my present. Because all I have is now. So I whisper back to God: "Where do I go from here?"
Sometimes I don't get a response, and sometimes I do.
But either way it shouldn't matter, because God is who He is no matter who I am. And what He says is permanent, so I have to learn to hold on to the promises and let go of my own dreams.
Does that mean that my dreams don't matter?
But it does mean that His dreams are probably better than mine, and He probably knows what He's doing.
So I cling.

"...and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted."
 Isaiah 62:12b

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Thoughts from a complete human prone to messing up

I'll be the first to admit that I mess up, messed up, and will continue to mess up. 
I won't pretend to be perfect or have this perception of myself that everyone else has of me just because of my background or by the way I hold myself together. 
I mess up and I know. 
I just think my messing up has taught me a couple of things, and it's also something that I need when I mess up. 
A person who's messed up appreciates nothing more than an open ear (if a friend, even better) to listen. An ear that won't reprimand, judge, or accuse. An ear that will listen clearly, thoughtfully, and honestly. An ear that will take the venting, the miscommunication, the hurt, the anger, and the regret. 
Just an ear willing to listen, and at the end of the listening, not react with anger or accusations, but love. An ear that understands that the one who's messed up is human (not like that is an excuse, but a factor in their thoughts and actions), and humans mess up. 
Human. I never really think of myself like that, but it's true. 
I'm so human. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) wants to know their value, because they feel their self-worth goes down. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) doesn't want pity, but quality time. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) wants to still feel accepted. Doesn't want to be judged based on their reactions or thought processes... doesn't want to feel like they are a specimen of discussion or speculation...
Just a listening ear. Not forced, or hardened. Open. 

"When I got tired of running from You, 
I stopped right there to catch my breath, 
There Your words they caught my ear, You said: 'I miss you, son. Come home'
And my sins they watched me leave, and in my heart I so believe
The love You felt for me was mine, The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed, I heard no I-told-you-so's
I said the words I knew You knew: Oh God, Oh God I needed You. 
God all this time I needed You, I needed You"
-Relient K