Sunday, November 28, 2010

Life is for living, right?

So, I thought, what better place to blog than on an airplane while flying across the country? How awesome is that? This airplane has free wifi because it's the holiday season.

I was talking with my sister last night and this phrase popped out of my mouth: "Time only seems fast when you look back."

It kind of made us both stop for a second. First of all, I couldn't believe that a phrase so deep had come out of my mouth, and second, I realized the complexity and undeniable truth of the statement. I keep wishing and wanting time to hurry up already so that I can look back and see how I got through what I'm going through right now. I want to see that I made it and think back on it and ponder the grace of God and His provision already. I want to know so many things. My need and perseverant curiosity blinds me and causes me to only see my situation, instead of thinking of the necessary and fruitful things around me.

Time only seems fast when you look back. It's so true. This past semester has absolutely flown by now that I look back at these few months. I've moved across the country and found my new community. I've declared a major. It's almost Christmas. I really was not ready for that! 3 more weeks and this semester is over with!

So, a little encouragement to me and you alike. Take life from where you are- appreciating the things that truly have gotten you this far-and remember that whenever you get to where you think you're going, time flies by faster than you think. You'll make it.

"If I have a chance I won't think twice, I'll throw caution to the wind and always choose to ride. God gave me this life and I'm going to ride." -Lainey Wright

I mean life is for living after all, right?

Monday, November 22, 2010

This is Me

I have long, brown, unmanageable hair.
I have hazel eyes.
I have very white skin upon which I have way too many freckles.
I wear contacts, which means that when I'm not wearing them I'm wearing my glasses.
I have terrible eyesight.
I barely, if ever, wear makeup. Only for special occasions.
You'll never catch me wearing a two piece bathing suit. Ever.
I don't go to the beach to swim or tan, I go there for my secret place.
I'm not a twig.
I don't have the coolest outfits and I for sure don't always look put together.
I can barely play guitar and bass. I play piano.
People enjoy my songs more than I do.
You might never see me smiling bigger than on a Friday night with my youth in SF.
I'm half Italian and half German. I was born in Africa and I have an Asian name.
I don't get it either.
I can be strong and stubborn, but you might never know that I'm sensitive and vulnerable.
Education is a very big priority to me. I'm finishing my BA in four years and nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that. I want my degree. What that degree is in...
I am very loyal to my friends. If you need me, I'll be there.
I've made mistakes.
I have a heart for the nations. My calling is international.
I believe in common courtesy and respect for human life. You don't leave people hanging and ignore their existence. Everyone is valuable.
Promises are important to me. Don't say something to me and then change your mind later. Your word is all you have.

God made me this way, and He loves me as is.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Broken and Beautiful

I would run
But in all honesty, where would I go?
Anywhere I go, there I am.
I would hide
But in all seriousness, how would that solve anything?
Everywhere I go to shelter myself becomes exposed.
I would hurt that person
But in the end, would I feel as justified?
It might satisfy for a moment, and then I would have to deal with it afterwards.
I could take it all back
But logically that's impossible
I could try and try but it wouldn't change anything.

I'm running until it burns
and trying to breathe
I'm pounding until I bleed
and holding my hands afterwards
I'm attempting to mend the broken pieces of my life
Broken promises
Broken dreams
Broken life
until a pair of hands stops mine.

I continue to pound.
I begin to weep.
"Look at me," I whisper. "Will you look at me?"
"I never stopped," I hear Him say.
"Tabatha," He says again. "My precious Daughter."
I stop, looking at my bleeding hands and wrapping my arms around myself.
I feel a heat approaching me.
"God, no," I whisper. "There's no way."
"My Daughter," He says to me, in full confidence, "My precious Daughter. You are mine. I am calling you by name. Precious, Daughter, Child of Mine, honored, beloved, lovable, princess... I'm here."
There are no more words to be said. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks and surround me as He carefully picks me up and pulls me into His embrace.
He handles me like the most valuable, fragile human being in the entire world. He handles me like He doesn't want to break me. He handles me with care.
I cry and I weep. I struggle and I yell.
"Oh Father," I sob, and there are no other words that I am able to speak.
"I know," He whispers softly to me.

He knows me.

"I never stopped loving you, not once," He reassures me. "I am never afraid to tell you that."
The tears eventually fade and I sigh, exhausted.
I slowly close my eyes and enjoy His embrace. I snuggle onto His chest and breathe slowly.
"My promises are eternal, just like my love. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. You can believe me. I never left."
"Never?" I say into His chest.
"Everyone leaves," I speak.
"Not me," He replies. "Never."
"But... look at me!" I exclaim. "I'm a mess! I'm everywhere! I'm ..."
He finishes my sentence for me.
"Beautiful. And Mine."

This is my Father. This is how He loves me, no matter what. I may not feel it, but my faith is bigger than feeling. I pray that I begin to see myself how God sees me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Just a thought

   There are so many things I could talk about in concerns with my relationship with my Savior. But one thing that really struck me today is God's timing and love.
   That could sound like jibber-jabber from a typical PK going to a Bible College and getting a degree in order to go into the ministry full time. Ah, so stereotypical. Or is it? Am I just to singularly be defined by the description of being a Pastor's kid? We go through crap too, just like the rest of you so let me clear that up. I've gone through a hard valley, especially this past year, and I would like you to consider lowering your expectations of me and judgements against my character, parents, and actions as I talk frankly about the timing and love of God as a simple human being learning to be in a relationship with Jesus.
  This week has now struck me as odd, but it didn't yesterday. Sometimes you need a change of perspective to understand how faithful God is. Looking back on this week I see how God was surrounding me and trying to help me understand how supported and valuable I was not only to Him, but to other people.
  For one, four friends in particular really reached out to me all the way from California. I was talking to them more and I really felt like they were my friends. It was an amazing feeling realizing how supported I was by these friends and how much kindness could be poured out by simple texts, calls, and I.M. conversations. Secondly, God really hit me hard out of the blue two nights ago. I was walking back to my dorm alone after studying late in the library and I suddenly stopped and recognized the presence of God was walking beside me. We had an entire conversation on my walk back and once I reached my room. It was also pointed out to me on that walk back how much of a community I have here at ZBC and how so many friends are truly like family. I felt so loved. Thirdly, the Coles came to Zion to speak this week. Not only did I feel like I was talking to family, but it was so nice to speak with people who knew me, where I came from, and my home. I felt so encouraged as Glenn Cole exclaimed that he had been looking for me around campus as we talked about California and later went on to point me out and explain my family's history with his to the group he was speaking to that night. So many good things.
   And then yesterday came. Good day, great company, but something was bothering me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I felt very strongly that God was trying to protect me from something but I couldn't figure out what. It made made me curious and scared at the same time. But once again in the timing of God, when I found out whatever it was that God was trying to protect me from, I found out when I was around good friends who supported me and helped me. An entire group gathered around me and talked with me, encouraged me, and lifted me up. My roommate and I talked late into the night as well, and later we blasted gospel music until 2 AM just to have an attitude of praise to God.

What can I tell you from this experience?
I can tell you that this could have been an ordinary week. Nothing special. The Cole's could have come any other time. My friends in Cali could have been complacent and waited until I came home to connect with me. God could have chosen not to stop me on my walk back to my dorm room. I could have uncovered what God was trying to protect me from in my room by myself in the middle of the day.

These things that happened this week were not by chance. God knew that I would need support, need friends, need care, and need a reminder of how valuable I am.
I am His daughter.
And I look back and can only exclaim to myself, what a great God I serve. One who is caring enough to look at the little things in my life and have me see them as the big things. One who planned out my week and what I would need to get me through. One who asks to have time with me when I feel I don't have time for Him. One who remains the same when I change, and still takes me as I am.
This is my Daddy, and I love Him dearly. Without Him, this week would have sucked really, really bad. I would hope that you know Him so that you understand the depths of His heart for me and for you. Because He loves us, and His timing is for a reason.

There's a lot I could say about God, but my point in this blog post? He cared enough about me to get me through yesterday, maybe He cares enough about you to get you through your tomorrow. Just a thought.