Sunday, December 26, 2010


Fighting back and having conflict at all usually just isn't worth it to me (Even though in some cases it probably should be). Instead, I'll let you do what you want to do, say what you want to say, and keep what you have stolen from me and I'll run to my secret place. 
I wish I was at the beach right this very second.
Why the beach?
There is never a moment when I am at the beach where I can deny that there is a God. 
(if you can I think that takes more effort)
It's like a breath of fresh air.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Officially Declared

So this December seems to be passing me by faster then any I can remember. It's already the 12th? When did all that happen? This week finals begins and then on the 21st I'm flying home. I'm really excited for this semester to be over with and for break to be here so some serious relaxing can occur.
I have my schedule for next semester and it's a doozy to even look at. I'm taking on 19 credits.  I keep reminding myself that that's not set in stone. I can always change it or drop a class next semester if things get to out of hand.
On a pretty nifty note, I declared my major for my BA altogether! This is a big deal! I finally know what I'm doing with my college stuff for now :) It feels awesome.
Currently I'm sitting in my overheated room with the fan on, typing away and eating Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses (who knew such a wonderful invention existed?). Kayla is sprawled upon my floor out cold. She spent most of the weekend in here and slept over last night as well, so my room is very cozy with blankets and pillows on the floor (I love it). It's raining outside and the chilly weather has definitely hit (it was 12 degrees at some point last week). I'm about to embark on another finals or homework related task and I can't help thinking: How lucky am I?
This is my life. Thank you, Jesus. 

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Good Night

A good night conversation with my Daddy- the King of Kings, Master, Ruler, Giver, Friend, Commander, and Lover of my Soul:
"Hi Daddy. I love you. I wonder sometimes how you bear to love me. I mess up and I fail a lot," I whisper quietly.
"I love you, Child," I hear Him say.
"I love You too. Can I rest?"I ask shyly, looking down with my cheeks getting red.
And He nods. I climb up onto my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder. His arms engulf me and I smile to myself.
"I love talking to you like this. I wish I could just stay here all the time," I say in a content tone.
God smiles as I breathe deeply and I feel His smile over me.
"I love You," I say, almost drifting off to sleep.
"I love you more then you will ever know- More than you know now, more than you will ever know in the future and more than you have ever realized," He says back to me. I take a moment and let that sink in. I have my own personal "Selah" times with God every now and again. "More than you will ever know" He says to me again.
"It's supposed to snow tomorrow," I say in a silly tone and then I laugh. I'm not ashamed of what I say because God knows who I am and He fully understands me. In fact, He appreciates my qualities and openness to be who I am with Him. He made me this way, after all.
I go on to tell Him about what's on my mind. My thoughts - everything from the weather to how I'm feeling and I end with a very serious thought that He doesn't respond to.
And God doesn't have to answer. Sometimes He just lets me talk. Sometimes all I feel and know with such certainty is that He's listening. And sometimes... that's all I needed to know in the first place.

Goodnight world.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Real Talk

I guess it is when you fully put aside yourself (your wants, needs, satisfactions, desires) and put someone else in front of you (that maybe doesn't deserve it, need it, or even has significantly done damage) that you understand the real meaning of what it is to love.
What you do with it all, of course, is the big wisdom factor. But how you react ...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Life is for living, right?

So, I thought, what better place to blog than on an airplane while flying across the country? How awesome is that? This airplane has free wifi because it's the holiday season.

I was talking with my sister last night and this phrase popped out of my mouth: "Time only seems fast when you look back."

It kind of made us both stop for a second. First of all, I couldn't believe that a phrase so deep had come out of my mouth, and second, I realized the complexity and undeniable truth of the statement. I keep wishing and wanting time to hurry up already so that I can look back and see how I got through what I'm going through right now. I want to see that I made it and think back on it and ponder the grace of God and His provision already. I want to know so many things. My need and perseverant curiosity blinds me and causes me to only see my situation, instead of thinking of the necessary and fruitful things around me.

Time only seems fast when you look back. It's so true. This past semester has absolutely flown by now that I look back at these few months. I've moved across the country and found my new community. I've declared a major. It's almost Christmas. I really was not ready for that! 3 more weeks and this semester is over with!

So, a little encouragement to me and you alike. Take life from where you are- appreciating the things that truly have gotten you this far-and remember that whenever you get to where you think you're going, time flies by faster than you think. You'll make it.

"If I have a chance I won't think twice, I'll throw caution to the wind and always choose to ride. God gave me this life and I'm going to ride." -Lainey Wright

I mean life is for living after all, right?

Monday, November 22, 2010

This is Me

I have long, brown, unmanageable hair.
I have hazel eyes.
I have very white skin upon which I have way too many freckles.
I wear contacts, which means that when I'm not wearing them I'm wearing my glasses.
I have terrible eyesight.
I barely, if ever, wear makeup. Only for special occasions.
You'll never catch me wearing a two piece bathing suit. Ever.
I don't go to the beach to swim or tan, I go there for my secret place.
I'm not a twig.
I don't have the coolest outfits and I for sure don't always look put together.
I can barely play guitar and bass. I play piano.
People enjoy my songs more than I do.
You might never see me smiling bigger than on a Friday night with my youth in SF.
I'm half Italian and half German. I was born in Africa and I have an Asian name.
I don't get it either.
I can be strong and stubborn, but you might never know that I'm sensitive and vulnerable.
Education is a very big priority to me. I'm finishing my BA in four years and nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that. I want my degree. What that degree is in...
I am very loyal to my friends. If you need me, I'll be there.
I've made mistakes.
I have a heart for the nations. My calling is international.
I believe in common courtesy and respect for human life. You don't leave people hanging and ignore their existence. Everyone is valuable.
Promises are important to me. Don't say something to me and then change your mind later. Your word is all you have.

God made me this way, and He loves me as is.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Broken and Beautiful

I would run
But in all honesty, where would I go?
Anywhere I go, there I am.
I would hide
But in all seriousness, how would that solve anything?
Everywhere I go to shelter myself becomes exposed.
I would hurt that person
But in the end, would I feel as justified?
It might satisfy for a moment, and then I would have to deal with it afterwards.
I could take it all back
But logically that's impossible
I could try and try but it wouldn't change anything.

I'm running until it burns
and trying to breathe
I'm pounding until I bleed
and holding my hands afterwards
I'm attempting to mend the broken pieces of my life
Broken promises
Broken dreams
Broken life
until a pair of hands stops mine.

I continue to pound.
I begin to weep.
"Look at me," I whisper. "Will you look at me?"
"I never stopped," I hear Him say.
"Tabatha," He says again. "My precious Daughter."
I stop, looking at my bleeding hands and wrapping my arms around myself.
I feel a heat approaching me.
"God, no," I whisper. "There's no way."
"My Daughter," He says to me, in full confidence, "My precious Daughter. You are mine. I am calling you by name. Precious, Daughter, Child of Mine, honored, beloved, lovable, princess... I'm here."
There are no more words to be said. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks and surround me as He carefully picks me up and pulls me into His embrace.
He handles me like the most valuable, fragile human being in the entire world. He handles me like He doesn't want to break me. He handles me with care.
I cry and I weep. I struggle and I yell.
"Oh Father," I sob, and there are no other words that I am able to speak.
"I know," He whispers softly to me.

He knows me.

"I never stopped loving you, not once," He reassures me. "I am never afraid to tell you that."
The tears eventually fade and I sigh, exhausted.
I slowly close my eyes and enjoy His embrace. I snuggle onto His chest and breathe slowly.
"My promises are eternal, just like my love. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. You can believe me. I never left."
"Never?" I say into His chest.
"Everyone leaves," I speak.
"Not me," He replies. "Never."
"But... look at me!" I exclaim. "I'm a mess! I'm everywhere! I'm ..."
He finishes my sentence for me.
"Beautiful. And Mine."

This is my Father. This is how He loves me, no matter what. I may not feel it, but my faith is bigger than feeling. I pray that I begin to see myself how God sees me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Just a thought

   There are so many things I could talk about in concerns with my relationship with my Savior. But one thing that really struck me today is God's timing and love.
   That could sound like jibber-jabber from a typical PK going to a Bible College and getting a degree in order to go into the ministry full time. Ah, so stereotypical. Or is it? Am I just to singularly be defined by the description of being a Pastor's kid? We go through crap too, just like the rest of you so let me clear that up. I've gone through a hard valley, especially this past year, and I would like you to consider lowering your expectations of me and judgements against my character, parents, and actions as I talk frankly about the timing and love of God as a simple human being learning to be in a relationship with Jesus.
  This week has now struck me as odd, but it didn't yesterday. Sometimes you need a change of perspective to understand how faithful God is. Looking back on this week I see how God was surrounding me and trying to help me understand how supported and valuable I was not only to Him, but to other people.
  For one, four friends in particular really reached out to me all the way from California. I was talking to them more and I really felt like they were my friends. It was an amazing feeling realizing how supported I was by these friends and how much kindness could be poured out by simple texts, calls, and I.M. conversations. Secondly, God really hit me hard out of the blue two nights ago. I was walking back to my dorm alone after studying late in the library and I suddenly stopped and recognized the presence of God was walking beside me. We had an entire conversation on my walk back and once I reached my room. It was also pointed out to me on that walk back how much of a community I have here at ZBC and how so many friends are truly like family. I felt so loved. Thirdly, the Coles came to Zion to speak this week. Not only did I feel like I was talking to family, but it was so nice to speak with people who knew me, where I came from, and my home. I felt so encouraged as Glenn Cole exclaimed that he had been looking for me around campus as we talked about California and later went on to point me out and explain my family's history with his to the group he was speaking to that night. So many good things.
   And then yesterday came. Good day, great company, but something was bothering me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I felt very strongly that God was trying to protect me from something but I couldn't figure out what. It made made me curious and scared at the same time. But once again in the timing of God, when I found out whatever it was that God was trying to protect me from, I found out when I was around good friends who supported me and helped me. An entire group gathered around me and talked with me, encouraged me, and lifted me up. My roommate and I talked late into the night as well, and later we blasted gospel music until 2 AM just to have an attitude of praise to God.

What can I tell you from this experience?
I can tell you that this could have been an ordinary week. Nothing special. The Cole's could have come any other time. My friends in Cali could have been complacent and waited until I came home to connect with me. God could have chosen not to stop me on my walk back to my dorm room. I could have uncovered what God was trying to protect me from in my room by myself in the middle of the day.

These things that happened this week were not by chance. God knew that I would need support, need friends, need care, and need a reminder of how valuable I am.
I am His daughter.
And I look back and can only exclaim to myself, what a great God I serve. One who is caring enough to look at the little things in my life and have me see them as the big things. One who planned out my week and what I would need to get me through. One who asks to have time with me when I feel I don't have time for Him. One who remains the same when I change, and still takes me as I am.
This is my Daddy, and I love Him dearly. Without Him, this week would have sucked really, really bad. I would hope that you know Him so that you understand the depths of His heart for me and for you. Because He loves us, and His timing is for a reason.

There's a lot I could say about God, but my point in this blog post? He cared enough about me to get me through yesterday, maybe He cares enough about you to get you through your tomorrow. Just a thought.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


flushing and raging
it's elevating
coursing through my veins
tracing out my stage
of presence here.
frustration, pure and simple
but then it's anything from
pure and simple.
Where do I know where I'm supposed to be?
How do I know what to do?
When will my visions and dreams, potentials and aspirations
follow through
with time?
Now. I need it now
Hole inside
Fullness outside
Conflict inside
Frustration outside.
Freedom here
Bondage there
Freedom anywhere
but here
but then freedom
here but no where else.
So much confusion.
Everywhere. All the time.
It never stops.
I could follow a rhythmic code
and go through with the patterns of life
When I get in this frustratinly odd mode
expression comes through writing out my strife
But I don't want to write like I'm supposed to
I want to write free
filled to the
brim with
difference of pure, unlimited
i want to live different
with enamourous growth and
unabtainable bliss
expressed in words that no one can express
lived with vigor that no one can possibly contain.
The world is drying, and pouding into my skull
how I am supposed to be
But I want
even if it means
just in this poem
So here is my frustration
written out
complex, confusing, chaotic
and outside
but here it is. At least it's here.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

a Suggestion

A lot of things in life are uncertain. Many people that you thought would never change did, and I guess it's just the process of life. In these processes, there can be both negative and positive elements. With two overwhelming and strenuous opposites, it's important to remember the little things.

The "little things" doesn't imply dwelling on the past or even holding onto hopes in the future. The little things is what you have now that when added together, make an amazing viewpoint.

All I'm implying is that doing something small, or going out of your way for a small amount of time, might make the difference to someone who has these uncertainties surrounding them. Because behind a smile is usually a heartache.
I know it would help me.
A phone call, letter, text, email. A smile, friendly suggestion, Bible verse, hug. A gift, a laugh, a hope, an encouraging word. These are all things that can seriously alter a tough day that would take maybe 5 minutes tops to accomplish. Be open to giving five minutes of your time away to change the status of someone else's day entirely.

I'm pretty convinced that if everyone agreed to try this for a week, there would be monstrous change in not only our lives, but the lives of those around us.
Just a suggestion in an ever-changing, uncertain world.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A 6:45 am wake up call

My alarm went off this morning at an early 6:45 AM, and I sleepily turned it off. Pushing off the shock of the sudden sound piercing the silence of my room, I laid back down only for a different alarm to ring again five minutes later (sometimes I'm too smart for myself!). This time I was wide awake. I jumped out of bed an overwhelming situation that I've been dealing with hit me head on. Everyone has problems. Everyone goes through hard times.
It was one of those moments where every single negative thing you've been pushing off for so long seem to suddenly overpower  you. It's like all the hard things decide to mock you in the face, saying: "You've been pushing me off for far too long! So it's my turn to pick the time to get to you!"
It was unexpected, to say the least.
I was so sad and very, very angry.
It was in the still moment that I realized I didn't want to deal with any of this anymore, and where my anger and sadness led to one of the best decisions of my day, possibly my week. It was in that moment of making a choice about my day that I decided I was tired of dealing with everything and this morning I was not going to become bitter about my situation! I decided I was going to run into God's presence wholeheartedly. I put on my clothes in a matter of 5 minutes (my family applauds, I know), grabbed my work for the day, and fled out the door by 6:55 AM. 
I began speaking to God once I was outside, saying: "If YOU can't help me with this, then I'm done. There's no where else I have to be right now to be. I only have to be with You." There was a hunger inside of me, and a reality hit me that being with God was the only thing that would help me.
And it is. Because I NEED God.
I ended up in the prayer chapel where another student was blasting worship music, which was perfectly fine with me. I began to cry out to God and that's where it hit me.
I've been so involved in my pain and hard situation, that it's become the "bigness" in my life. It had become the larger thing to overwhelm me more than anything else and I felt God tugging at my heart.
I prayed this prayer: Reverse the roles! Help me see that YOU are bigger than the pain, NOT the pain is bigger than You. Help me see reality.

Because God is bigger than my pain, doubt, fear, and troubles. Why? Because He's bigger than ME. God is bigger.
Than anything at all.
He's bigger and He alone should have the power to overwhelm me.
And that's my prayer from now on, all from my 6:45 AM wake up call.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

hello, goodbye

I guess this is hello. 
if this is how are to live.
so hello
in a scream
in a word
in a laugh
or from beside me. 


i guess this is goodbye 
if only for now
so goodbye
in a whisper
in a siren
in a storm
or from afar


Monday, October 11, 2010


Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart.
Pieces of me scatter everywhere and I don't know what to do with them. How to look at them. How to figure out how to pick them up and put them together again, because there are so many.
So I sit and I think and I hear God whisper to me promises that seem so far away. Promises about my future which is always too far ahead of my present. Promises from my past that always seem so far behind from my present. Because all I have is now. So I whisper back to God: "Where do I go from here?"
Sometimes I don't get a response, and sometimes I do.
But either way it shouldn't matter, because God is who He is no matter who I am. And what He says is permanent, so I have to learn to hold on to the promises and let go of my own dreams.
Does that mean that my dreams don't matter?
But it does mean that His dreams are probably better than mine, and He probably knows what He's doing.
So I cling.

"...and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted."
 Isaiah 62:12b

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Thoughts from a complete human prone to messing up

I'll be the first to admit that I mess up, messed up, and will continue to mess up. 
I won't pretend to be perfect or have this perception of myself that everyone else has of me just because of my background or by the way I hold myself together. 
I mess up and I know. 
I just think my messing up has taught me a couple of things, and it's also something that I need when I mess up. 
A person who's messed up appreciates nothing more than an open ear (if a friend, even better) to listen. An ear that won't reprimand, judge, or accuse. An ear that will listen clearly, thoughtfully, and honestly. An ear that will take the venting, the miscommunication, the hurt, the anger, and the regret. 
Just an ear willing to listen, and at the end of the listening, not react with anger or accusations, but love. An ear that understands that the one who's messed up is human (not like that is an excuse, but a factor in their thoughts and actions), and humans mess up. 
Human. I never really think of myself like that, but it's true. 
I'm so human. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) wants to know their value, because they feel their self-worth goes down. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) doesn't want pity, but quality time. 
A messed up person (someone who has made mistakes) wants to still feel accepted. Doesn't want to be judged based on their reactions or thought processes... doesn't want to feel like they are a specimen of discussion or speculation...
Just a listening ear. Not forced, or hardened. Open. 

"When I got tired of running from You, 
I stopped right there to catch my breath, 
There Your words they caught my ear, You said: 'I miss you, son. Come home'
And my sins they watched me leave, and in my heart I so believe
The love You felt for me was mine, The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed, I heard no I-told-you-so's
I said the words I knew You knew: Oh God, Oh God I needed You. 
God all this time I needed You, I needed You"
-Relient K

Thursday, September 30, 2010

From minutes to seconds

Time is so funny.
Waiting. Watching. Thinking.
It's too slow or too fast. It's speeding up or slowing down. Why must my life be completely ruled by something so tedious like time?
People use the expression "for the rest of my life..." a lot.
Well, I want "the rest of my life" right now.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I'm here.

There are moments in time when you stop an realize that whatever is happening is special. Maybe in a conversation with someone you don't know very well, this fact will hit you, like it hit me today or maybe on a simple stroll while you have an open heart. It's during those moments the thought comes to my mind: "Was this specific space in time planned out for me?"

Walking out of my 2 hour class this past Friday morning, I made my way to the chapel for service. Nothing out of the ordinary was happening. No fireworks, special speakers about to speak, or specific "Holy Spirit high" that I can think of.
I was literally just walking to my next period when I heard the slight and subtle rustle of leaves through the  trees by the wind. It got my attention and it seemed like the entire world and all the sound that accompanied it faded out slowly. I glanced up at that wind and saw it make it's way through a nearby tree and heard that slight, cool breeze once again. I slowly glanced away and as I did, in my heart, as still and soft as could be I heard God whisper: "I'm here"

It made me stop. It wasn't loud or obvious, bold or big. It was small, peaceful, and very quiet. I felt such comfort in those two simple words. God was concerned for me and He knew exactly what was going to reach me and what would be the most effective.
It reminded me of that verse in the Bible in I Kings, I think where God wasn't in all of the loud happenings, but the still small voice.
And so I thought, "How many of these moments have I missed before?" Because I want to have more of them on a regular basis.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

"I'll follow you into the homes of the broken..."

I'm just reminded today about such a great need that is out there. An immense, strong, desperate need that I am a part of. I want to go. I want to help. I want to travel and spread the help that I know I'm able to give. I want to be stretched and I want to give until there's nothing left because it hit me today... there's so much to do. There's such a big hole that needs to be filled. There are so many people crying out for help. The question I hear is "You have to go?" but my heart  answers: "How can I stay?"

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy days of... September?

Today was definitely lay low. 
Walked to Wendy's with some friends. 
Went grocery shopping (wait, what?)
Watched Pride and Prejudice.  <3
and I'm now watching my roommate jumping around the room trying to burn off calories because she's on a "food high". 
Simple things are good. 

Simple things... Things like an office ... make me happy... and did I mention that I have my own office for my volunteer hours? Here I am in my office chair and window to the outside world. What you can't see? A desk complete with a phone, computer, and tissues. Oh, and a chair across from my desk in case I have to meet with anyone! :) Pretty nifty. 

Anyways, like I was saying, simple things are good. 
Sometimes, they make me smile. Sometimes I forget to notice them. 

but when I do notice them ("them" implying everything from a walk to the grocery store to a flower in bloom) I think about all of the things I probably missed. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

for Today

So what's the revelation for today?
I have a firm belief that every human being deserves your time, respect, love, and a simple hug or conversation. Everyone. No matter what's happening or how busy you are.
I never want to end a day and think back about how I might have helped someone here or been a shoulder to cry on over there.
I never want to not smile at someone or forget to say hello to the person who's hiding from everyone because they can't face what's inside of them. I want to look back at the end of the day and realize that I did everything humanly possible on my account to help or reach out to others.
I had a good friend who passed away in high school my senior year, and if he taught me anything by his life, it was this.
Don't let a day go by with the thoughts: "I'll talk to them later" or "This conversation will pop up on it's own eventually" or even: "They looked like they needed a hug", "I wonder how they're doing", and "I haven't spoken to them in a long time."
I never had the opportunity to say goodbye. But I have the opportunity now to make sure I say all I can and live out what I believe with no regrets, and leave no one behind.
My friend who died... many people thought he was weird for all of high school. Not everyone gave him the respect he deserved. No one saw things that I saw.
He had an enormous heart.
He was concerned for other people.
He never let me continue in my day if I looked upset without asking what was wrong or if I needed anyone to talk to.
I'm angered that many people never had the chance to see this side of him. To see the friend that he was to me. To see the friend that I still miss to this day.
I want to make sure that I am that friend to others.
Maybe it's time to pick up the phone, send that email, or smile at that stranger who's world is falling apart.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

At all

I may not
have all the right words to say
feelings to express,
hopes to give
or passions that are meant to last.
I may not.
I don't always understand
or gaze
or think
or praise.
I don't.
I'm not
who I know I could be,
know I could see,
know I could think,
know how to be me in general.
I'm not.
Sometimes I try too hard
to be something that
maybe isn't me at all.

And yet
I may be on my way to understanding
where I'm going.
I may be.
I just might perceive things in my mind for a reason
without sense.
I just might.
I am
finding my way and
choosing my paths
fighting for my dreams
and holding nothing back.
I am.
Always I try
doing what I can
to make them happy
to keep them away
and to try to remember
at all.
If I'm there.

There are two sides (and more than that)
to who I am.
There are parts of me
and sections even smaller
of who I am striving for,
who I see I can be.
There are opportunities
that present themselves
to be :
and there.
I try to take them.
There's a lot you don't know
about my inside
how my brain works
how my heart manages
how my feelings remain intact at all.
How my eyes see
how my ears hear
how my mouth speaks
what it manages to get out
at all.

But I'm striving
and growing,
and living.
I'm doing my very best
to live.
To ask.
to make sure when I look back
I see Him there with me
at all.
Because I want to see that
He never let me go.

Monday, September 6, 2010


I decided to make this blog because if you know anything about me, I sometimes communicate a lot better through the written word than through verbal communication. Also, there's probably a lot you don't know about my thoughts and actions, so this might clear a few things up. Aside from the basic blah blah blah I just moved to the other side of the country. I'm not usually going to treat this blog as a online diary however, I also hope this will be somewhat of a creative outlet and if you read along as I write out my thoughts I think you'll understand.
I love writing poetically. I love putting words together and having them come out as a clean, smooth masterpiece. The lasting effect after the tongue has finished speaking is something to marvel and ponder. I love hearing and reading something beautifully put together and then thinking about it long after I've put it away and I strive to write pieces to that effect myself.
I love writing in general, and since this is my blog, I will have the opportunity to write in reference to what I'm passionate about and where my heart is. You might not be used to this side of me, so I hope you're prepared :)