Sunday, May 29, 2011

"I guess I just want to say that if you ever need someone to keep you company, I’ll be right here."

Thursday, May 26, 2011

So I'm doing stuff with my life

I wrote a post a minute ago and re-read it. It was too generic. Sometimes I speak Christianese.
Don't hate.
It's summer time. Things you need to know about me right now:
1) I leave for Ireland next week and will be there the whole month of June. HOLLA!
2) I come back the second week of July to recoup in San Fran.
3) I'm pretty sure I'm going to Malawi in August (that's in Africa, in case you didn't know). Yup, back to the motherland. It'll be the first time I've been back since I left. If you didn't know, I was born in Africa.

I'm pretty sure I'll be updating from Ireland, but we'll see. There's only so much time an intern has. I'm really, really, really, excited though. Traveling is such a passion- I love experiencing different cultures! It's so weird to think that five years ago I detested the thought of being in missions and going to different countries and now I can't wait to experience it all myself! I'm so passionate about it! My heart starts to beat so loud and fast that I can hear it and then I feel all this excitement rise inside my soul... God is so ironic. And cool. All things that go without saying.

I'm officially a junior in college, btw. This year in college is also the first year I've ever staid at one college, and I loved it, so I'm going back :) Two years at the same college? Weird!
Anyways, that's me for now. Just living and asking and figuring things out. Doing that whole life thing.
I try, I really do. This is me trying and making the best and going forward the best way I know.
There's no point in going back anyways, that's impossible.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To my heart, from God

Heart, listen to me for a second.
I know you're tired. I know you've had it.
I would know better out of anyone else, right?
I know things seem impossible. I know you feel ripped off.
You have every right to leave. You have every right to be upset.
You could run away, and no one would think it to be unjustified.
The pain that you feel is completely understandable.
No one thinks otherwise.
But here, come here, and listen to me speak to you,
Because I long to pour words of comfort over you.
I long to sit at your side and be the one to hold you together.
Heart, dear, precious heart that I have created and formed for a purpose,
As I stand before you, holding your pieces in my hands
Will you believe me?
Will you trust me?
You never had anything to prove before, and you don't have anything to prove now.
It is not in any way by your power, strength, or will,
It is not because you do things well or good,
It is not because you excel or perform excellently,
It has nothing to do with you, actually.
I had already taken care of everything before you came into existence.
When I said "It is finished" I meant that anything you could do to fix yourself was finished as well.
It is nothing on your own that will ever do you any good,
It is only with me.
Beloved, honored, chosen heart,
I'm right here. You don't need to come back.
I'm never too busy or too ashamed of you.
You've been through so much, do you think I have not seen?
I see you before me now and what I say to you is:

I believed in you in your worst, when everything fell down around you.
I believed in you at your best, when things seemed to go your way.
I believe in you now, as you are before me broken and beautiful.
I have never given up on you.
I have never forsaken you.
I have never walked away.
And I know, I know so well that you are struggling,
I see every tear, every heartache, every sore memory you experience,
I see every glance, every thought,
and I notice every time you wish you could move on but you can't.
I see it all, because I see you.
I know who you are, and I love you exactly as you are.
Never forget who I am.
Do not associate me with the things that you struggle with
Although you can struggle with me, I am not those who have hurt you.
I am not a promise-breaker or a weak link,
I do not run away and I will never abandon you.
When I speak words they will be words of life,
When I make you a promise, I intend to follow through,
and that follow through will come in my timing.
There are no taking back of my words,
There is no changing my mind,
I am faithful, I am present,
I mean what I say,
And I will never bring you back and leave you at the beginning
Because I treasure you.
although what you have experienced is real and genuine,
although your pain is obvious and open,
remember that I am not that. I am who I am.
I will be the one to push it all away
and pull you back together.
I will be the Rock on which you stand
when everything is sinking.
I will be the friend you want to share your life with
when you feel you have no one to talk to.
I will be your strength
when you have none.
Dear, precious heart, as you go through this path
and as you stumble and fall,
I will be right there with you, picking you back up
and reminding you of who you are to me:
Loved, mine, honored, treasured, fragile, important, valuable, called, chosen, and beautiful.
You are so beautiful.
I will be reminding you that it was never by anything you did in the first place,
but everything was through me.
I will be your justice when you feel like fighting.
I will hold your hand, and beg you to never let it go.
I will guide you when all things around you seem bleak. I will come behind you and hold you together when you relapse.

I see the music in your heart and I cannot wait for it to come forth!
I will make you smile when you feel you have no reason to
and I will be your laugh when the joy of this world is fading around you and you must remain strong.
I know that being strong is exhausting,
so use my strength. It is unending and always enough.

I love you more then you will ever know, more then you realize now and more then you will ever come to realize in the future. I see you for who you are right now at this very moment. Your past is gone. You are Mine. No matter what happens on this path you are on, know that you are never, not for one second, alone. Never.
Heart, I'm here.
From God
(your Father, Best Friend, King, Comforter, Counselor and Peace)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Small, singular, stuffy, messy, and unorganized

In high school, whenever I was sick and my brother saw me he'd always say:
"How are you feeling, sicko?"
Perhaps not the most encouraging thing to hear when you already feel like crap, but all the same I miss my brother saying that to me right now. When you're sick you just want to be at home. My dorm room is definitely not home at the moment. It's small and singular and stuffy. It's messy (and yes, that's my fault) and unorganized (that too).
I started feeling sick this round (it has been going on and off for a month-ish) friday afternoon. What gave me the big clue was that I slept all afternoon and woke up with a blistering headache. Blech. Blech. Blah. I carried on as normal hoping I could simply shrug it off, but when I woke up Saturday morning and went to be a team mom for the last game my team would play this season, I couldn't yell, scream, or holler, let alone talk loudly. My voice was barely above a whisper. Fast forward to Sunday and where my sinuses began to have pressure and I had no voice at all.

So yesterday I went to a local clinic. Let me tell you in advance, not all clinics are like the one I am used to seeing in the television series "House". I expected busy, rude people but was met with the exact opposite, which was more then appealing. The doctor said I had serious sinus congestion and that the fluid was going everywhere in my head, which was causing the pressure. He prescribed me some things and then I woke up today with my ears on fire. Yuck. I immediately returned to the clinic and the doctor said that the medicine could take two to three days to begin relieving the pressure and my ear ache was probably largely due to fluid resting behind my ears.
That's a nice picture, isn't it? Fluid. Behind your ears.
So they cleaned out my ears and shot water over and over inside to get anything out that would be helping the pressure in any way. Did they succeed? Yes. Do I feel better? No. It hurt. Water gushing inside of your ears for an hour is not the best way to relieve that pressure that's bouncing around in your head in the first place.
So now I'm here, in my dorm room. It's cloudy outside and pretty grey inside. I have two of my hardest finals tomorrow in the same morning and all I can think to myself is "How in the world am I going to do this?" I can barely focus on not crying from the pain as it is. I know, I'm a baby. You don't have to tell me twice, but this really hurts. I wanted to ask the doctor just to knock me out but I didn't think he would think that to be funny.

And I'm sitting here on my bed, my prescriptions on my desk and my comforter laid out in disarray on my bed asking God why. Why am I here right now? How am I supposed to finish strong when I can't work? How can 2 weeks sound like a lifetime? Why can't He just take all the pressure in my head off for five minutes so I can breathe like a normal person?
Which always leads to bigger questions, because when you're frantic things get crazy in your head.

I remember a few weeks ago when I had a meltdown and someone completely turned the tables on me. During my meltdown I questioned everything about any human being that I'd ever come into contact with. I questioned my call. I questioned my hope and faith in the human race and my call in response to that. Lots of questions... because life is a big question at some points.
I was in a class this week and the professor was discussing how God can give us vision of the great things that are going to happen in our lives. We see the high points, but we don't necessarily envision all the low points it's going to take to get us to the high points.
Valid assumption. I think that's very true.

So, this is a low point on the way to my high point. It's kind of like construction on the beach.
Not the best way to end a post, but all the same...