Saturday, August 16, 2014

I moved to Australia.

For those of you who don't know, I now reside in the country of Australia. This is kind of a crazy thing to even type out. For some reason I was really against making it public but now that it's more or less out there - hello from Australia. I guess I didn't want to be that person, you know? The one who blasts it everywhere. Maybe social media is just getting to me. I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Hello from Australia!
Yes, there are kangaroos and koalas here. No, everyone does not say "G'day mate" instead of "hello." Yes, I'm not far from the Sydney Opera House. No, I don't eat Vegimite everyday. I think that covers some of my basics for now.

Can I be honest and say this isn't at all what I thought it would be? And to be even more clear, I had absolutely 100% no expectations for coming here? Haha. Are you as confused as I am!?
Good. Maybe that will help you understand. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here, I'm just being obedient. I guess it can make sense to trust God when things are good, and even when things are evidently bad, but I'm learning it's hard to trust God when there's no explanation for something He's told you to do.

I'll walk you through it.
God: Go to Hillsong's school in Australia.
Me: Why?
God: Just go.
Me: (long pause...ok a few years later) Ok.

That's pretty much all I got.
I left my multiple jobs, workaholic lifestyle, and active church life to come out to Australia and go back to school at Hillsong. This really doesn't make sense to me. Like, really really.
But God's made it clear I'm supposed to be here, in more ways than one. So where does that leave me?
Learning to trust when I have no explanation or reasoning, in a different country way farther away than I've ever been for such a long a period of time, away from anything or anyone familiar, with a completely different environment.
In my head it sounded like an adventure, and due to my lack of expectation, I didn't anticipate the challenges and stress that would come with finally saying "yes." Maybe adventure doesn't mean easy.

But I'm here. I made it. I'm on the other side of the world. It happened, and I have no idea why.
So I'll wait.
I felt like I was waiting for years to just make the decision to come here, and then it felt like I was waiting forever to get here. Now that I'm here, I have to wait again?
There must be something in this waiting thing, huh?
I'll just be here. Waiting. Whenever He thinks I'm ready to hear it, He'll let me hear. I've come to find that His timing isn't usually mine, and after a while I realize that it's for the better.
I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of questions, and a lot of stress about this whole thing, but I'm growing to learn to trust anyway in the midst of it. I'll be present. I'll soak in as much as I can. I'll just be here, because that's all I know to do right now. My leap of faith didn't have to make sense to anyone, including me. Plod on, plod on, plod on.

So I wait.

Monday, May 26, 2014

This, that, and the other.

I guess there could come a time where you'd wonder if I ever even wrote on this thing anymore. I mean, I don't have a fancy Wordpress or done-up Tumblr. I don't have my own website or an awesome new camera to post pictures of high definition on my Canon 200000zx340 or anything.

I just have me. Regular Tabatha. I'm here, in quite a different world than I last posted in but on the same website.

When I last came here I was really confused (the whole post-grad life takes some figuring out). I was working but not knowing what I was working towards (I can be detail-oriented sometimes). I was grasping at straws, to be honest. I can't say that now in this present moment I have much of anything figured out, but I feel better. I have made a major life decision and am moving towards it. I have been working really, really hard towards goals and accomplishing a lot. I've had a busy first-year-out-of-college whirlwind.

Here are a few things that I've learned recently:

1. I don't need to have everything figured out just because I graduated from college.

I initially felt way more pressure than I realized to have a position lined up or an internship to jump into. Honestly, looking back, I think if I had done any of that it would've been a mistake. I wouldn't have wanted to make some rushed choice that led to permanency I wasn't ready for. I would've ignored that gut instinct - AKA: God - and done something that wasn't right for me. So I waited. I even passed up opportunities that seemed amazing waiting for that huge peace signal. And now I'm really glad I did.

2. The only thing certain in life (other than the obvious) are seasons.

Seasons come and go and shake everything up. My last year in college I was in an okay place. This year kind of messed that up (shocker!). The thing that changed the most for me personally were all my friendships. Realizing some friends aren't for life or don't keep in touch or aren't worth my effort time and time again really messed with me. I'm a pretty sensitive heart, and I really care about those I've come into contact with. Someone once told me that if I wasn't losing friends I wasn't growing up. After this year, I really comprehend that on a different level.  I'm still struggling to learn how to cope with this better but I know it's a part of growing up - even though it's mostly a bummer.

3. I'm me and that's ok.

There have been tons of times in my life where I've neglected who I am in order to people please and get by. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm still learning how to get over the people pleaser in me! - but I feel something shifted inside. I may not be the most confident introvert out there, but I'm me and that's ok. I work hard, I laugh loud, I love my friends and family, and I know what I want to do with my life. My accomplishments this year speak of it, and I don't say that in pride or to brag. Honestly, I don't. They just show me personally that I'm changing. I don't need to make myself outspoken to prove it or force you to notice me in order to be understood (even if sometimes I feel the opposite). God made me the way that I am and it doesn't have to fit an ethnic, cultural, or stereotypical format. It's allowed to be quiet, subtle, or not on center stage.

Well... big things are up ahead! I can't say I'll be keeping up with blog really regularly, but there's always that maybe. I imagine this is something I'd tell you over coffee, so thanks for letting me process with you.