Tuesday, May 15, 2012

He makes all things new. That includes me.

You know what makes bad days better? Owl City releasing a new EP. It doesn't even necessarily mean that I think this is his best work or anything, his music is just happy. There are lot of things about today that made me sad. When the two met in the middle, I got pulled up. New music is like a breath of fresh air: a new mindset, a new start. It made me so happy in contrast to everything else that had happened.

I guess the decision has been made that I'm moving on. For real?
And if there was any ever doubt that I had the greatest people in my life, it's gone. I've decided to take up all these people on their offers to help me out. What a thought! It humbles me so much. I'm so fortunate to have all these people here for me. In this crazy, upside-down reality that I'm currently living in, it's nice to know that people have my back.

I could vent, and rage, but that's never really been my thing. I'm the suppressor, right? Well, I don't think I'm suppressing this time. This time, I'm breathing it in. I'm letting it happen, and after all of it is over I can't wait to see where I'll be. I'm not even necessarily anxious to get through it all (disregarding the whole pain aspect of it all, of course). I just wish I had all my dear east coasters with me for the process (Can my twin just get here already?!). It's practically the only downside to being here. Thank God for technology, right?

One of the most comforting thoughts to exist in the entire world is: I'm not alone.
I, Tabatha Beiser, am not alone.
I felt it so clearly today, even through all the stinging and numbness.
Hey, you reading this. You're not alone either. If I can do this, you can too. Don't give up.
Don't turn back, either.
I can't even imagine what is in my future, but I know that it's gotta be pretty great if I have to go through this right now. Someone told me today I must be doing something right or there wouldn't be this many cannons coming my way. You can still be doing the right thing and have your life be tumbled.

I put this on repeat during my 4 mile ralk (walk/run) today:
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things out of us.
You make me new
You are making me new.

I believe it. He makes all things new. That includes me.
I'm going to make it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

There's greater in my destiny then what's been in my history.

I am now typing to you as a senior in college. 
ME. A senior. In college. (Excuse my asthma)
If you're surprised, well, so am I. 
I've pushed so hard all of my college career in order to graduate with the class of 2013. With all the transferring I did, it was inevitable that I was going to lose credits. To make up, I pushed myself to take 19, 20, 21 credit semesters. This past semester was the first semester in over a year where I took the normal 16 credit load. Needless to say, I wish every semester could be like this one. I felt like I could breathe. With all that work in mind, I can say to you that I will be graduating in a year from now. 
May 2013. 

It's weird. It's different. It means a season of my life is about to end, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with that. It means I need to make life choices soon, and that can be intimidating. 
I want to DO something with my life. I have all this passion and hope to blaze a trail, but I never realized that blazing a trail is hard work. Sometimes I want to doubt the dreams that God has placed in my heart, but I need to realize that He wouldn't have placed those dreams there if He didn't intend for them to come to pass. 
These dreams are huge, and I'm so small. I'm a little crouton in a big crouton world (I hope someone gets that reference). But God gave them to me. He handed me a piece of His heart a few years ago, and I can feel it beating inside my soul sometimes. When I stop and think about this moment: all the loss, the pain and fear, the hunger, hopelessness, and helpless eyes that are looking for some sort of reconciliation, my heart becomes so passionate that I can't believe that God would actually allow me to take part in something that I feel so strongly about. Then I realize that the passion that I feel about my call is only a fraction of what He feels about it. He gave me part of His heart, His vision, His plans. He lets me feel only the smallest bit of what His heart contains at all times. 

I don't deserve it. Not at all. I am the one that should be sent away, or cast off. 
I'm so grateful for my call. Beyond-words humbled by His will and choices. 
He still wants to use me, guys. 

This college senior is going back to San Francisco this summer to work as camp coordinator for summer events at her church. 
I get to do this. 
I get to live out some portion of something I'm extremely passionate about, and not only live it out but plan it myself. I get the opportunity to partner with amazing people that I consider my family, who have stuck it out and spoken to me by their actions that the greatest sign of commitment to God is commitment and consistency in His church. 
I keep thinking to myself, I get to do this! 

With all that in mind, I want to say that at the end of this school year, I couldn't be more grateful for the friend support system that I have now. Seriously. It's something that I can't believe He would give to me. I look at my friends and I thank God, because I'm so lucky. I get to be friends with these amazing people. I have the opportunity to join with others and be myself. It's amazing. 

Summer 2012, here I come.