It almost doesn't seem real, but yesterday it hit me all the amazing things that happened this summer. All the amazing things that God accomplished that I got to see happen in the past few months. There's so much.
Let's start with something that happened at home.
I need to write it down so I don't forget it myself.
Youth camp this summer was amazing in a different way. I didn't fall out or get blasted across the room, but I did have the chance to minister during altar call times through music.
I am hesitant- I guess that's a good way to put it- sometimes about what I can do. I don't like putting it out there. I don't like waiting to be used either though, so it's a lose/lose situation. I feel like if someone else possesses a gift that I have then why should I be used in that gifting? So there was a lot of discouragement that hunkered around my quiet need to be used.
When I left school in May I cried. I cried really, really hard because it was the first time in a long time that I was in the environment that I had always wanted to be in. I was worried that going home, I would lose that sense and I would also be reminded of all these terrible things that had happened that would overtake my new-found placing.
Lots of information, I know. Stick with me. Just giving you some background.
Terribly, terribly. I didn't want to mess up. It also helped that one of my favorite speakers in the entire world was giving the message. After most of the songs had happened during the message, the speaker came up to me during the middle of altar call and said: "You're doing phenomenal, you really are. I mean it. I would go to battle with you any day."
I almost started crying right there. Later on he also called me out and said to play something that God had put on my heart. Something that I had played over and over by myself in my room that burned within me.
I knew immediately what song it was. I had played this song numerous times on guitar in my room. It seemed etched inside of my very soul. It was my heart's cry. It was my constant reminder of what my focus was. I changed the chords and the mood shifted inside of my heart. This was my heart's song. The song that whenever I played it the insides of me screamed so loudly and almost vocally that I'm surprised no one heard it.
I played and sang that song in front of everyone that night. The endless hours I had spent being patient to be used, worshipping on my own, and learning the right chords on guitar for it seemed worthless compared to the impact it had the opportunity to make.
Now, my heart can be a funky place at times (yes, I said funky). It's all over the place on certain days, but there are some pretty consistent desires and dreams that I have deeply placed and rooted in my heart. Some of those desires and dreams I have waited and waited for. I have prayed and cried over these dreams and still it seems like they have not happened. Some of the desires in my heart I've had to give up. I've had to let a lot of things and people go. It's deeply etched inside of me: what has been given, what I hold on to, what's been taken away, and what I'm waiting on.
As I looked over the crowds of people in my church being touched by the power of God I felt one of those desires rise. I had always wanted to be apart of something like this. I wanted to see masses get moved by the presence of God. And as I looked over the crowds of people, the desires of my heart that I had to give up or say no to pushed aside, God whispered very quietly to me and said: "See? I do see the desires of your heart."
What I've come to realize is that there are many people who feel forgotten by God. They think that waiting means He isn't true to His word, or that maybe the promises He made weren't important.
But they are. They are so important to Him and God wants the plans He has for your life to come to pass even more then you.
Want to hear something else pretty nifty? Someone once told me a long time ago that I would write songs that people would sing and hear. I had almost forgotten about that until that night where I played a song for altar call that I myself had written. And who would have thought that we played it the next night too? We did. It's definitely not my style to talk about that, but whoever told me I would write music that people would worship to said it a long time ago. Maybe my last year of junior high kind of long time ago.
But guess what - it happened.
I was going to write about Africa, but I think this post is long enough. Here's a sneak peek for next time :)
PS: I don't steal photos! The pictures taken from youth camp worship are by Lazarus Pachigalla: http://www.facebook.com/clickamillion