I have these complete moments of intense inspiration. Realization. Honesty. And honestly, I love speaking my raw emotion. When you express yourself so fully and wholly that it might not make sense but those are your emotions, I just see so much power in that.
Then there’s this fear: fear of it not being accepted. Fear of being misunderstood. For me it’s fear of it not being good enough or someone taking my raw words and walking away with them, and never returning.
Fear usually comes from experience. I’ve heard that we’re only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of the dark. Those were the only fears given to us at birth, yet we walk around with millions, just tumbling around inside of our hearts and our heads. Sometimes fear isn’t rational. I know it.
But there has to be some beauty in it, right? My grandfather once told me to enjoy the uncertainty. Fear means you care, at least most of the time. It means you’re invested. It means you don’t want to lose something, and for someone who’s lost a lot and struggled with people leaving and being left, fear from that in an entirely different situation can indicate that I’ve actually allowed myself to feel, and be, and take part in that kind of communication and friendship again. Even though I take it overboard, it could be healthy for me, because I didn’t square myself away. I didn’t hold back.
I didn’t…. lose myself in being lost.
I got back up, and now, experiencing this fear with people who are new, it’s scary. I’m not going to buffer it for you. But I have to trust them, because not trusting them only proves that everyone who’s ever left is still in control over my emotional behavior, and that’s not healthy.
Have you ever missed someone so badly it hurt?
That kind of scares me, because for that to happen to me, it means they take up serious space in my heart. Not unhealthy space, or even bad space, just more space then normal in any regular friendship that I’ve ever experienced. There’s this natural insecurity that follows that, at least for me. There’s so much that could go wrong. But I can’t always think that way. I don’t want to live life that way.
There’s so much that could go right, and I’m not going to lose one of the best gifts God has ever given to me in my best friend because of fear.
This is pretty real, and you won’t see a lot of these. But I love so hard, and so fast, and so much sometimes that everything seems so real to me, including fear. Fear is real.
But it is possible to have a best friend know you so completely and not run away with it.
I have to believe that. I choose to believe that. And in that, there's freedom.