Thursday, April 11, 2013

A glance at my story.

Life is not perfect, in fact it's usually the opposite
Growing down walls and outside windows 
Reaching in and grasping what's important, 
Sometimes taking it away. 
Pulling at the sides of your will until it all but crashes and burns, 
while you are left standing and trying to remember what strength used to feel like. 
You were strong once, right?
Sometimes I can't remember what it is,
But from what I remember, it's exhausting. 
Tasting of it's lack is remembering a powerless life. 
And I can hear a voice, screaming at me. 
It's yelling violently
Echoing off the windows and coursing down the walls
My heart breaks when the scream reaches my ears. 
Sand fills my mouth and my blood stops all motion

I am caught between words and action
I am lost in abyss and imagination
I am toiling in loss and wrestling with sorrow
while trying to fend off the all too familiarity of loneliness. 
Pain rushes my stomach until I can't stand
Memories swirl in my mind until I can't think 
Punching, pulling, aching, rolling
Aching in such a deep down way that your heart reflects 
nothing but shambles. 

Can anyone pick up my shambles? 
Tears are now robbing my vision.
Can anyone put me on my feet?
Stand with me?
Push me into position?

Steps. I hear steps. 
Someone is approaching me. 
The ferocity in my heart is drowning out everything else. 
They are standing in front of me, and I am everything but presentable. 

Words escape my mouth coming directly from my heart
There is no valve or blockage to differentiate the connection these two have 
"Teach me," I whisper. "Teach me how to love."

I hold on to the last string of hope that is rooted in my heart 
Hoping for change
Hoping for love
Hoping for difference.
There is silence. 
At last, His voice.

"You have to let me. Will you allow yourself to fall apart so that I may put you back together?"

Now the silence is on my end. 
There is peace resonating only inches away from me. 
There is hope and comfort and strength
within arm's reach. 
So close. 

I gasp.
Although I am in pain, the future of pain in my reply determines so much.
It's when you're at the end of yourself
And desperate enough
that change happens at all.

Slowly, I nodd.
Tears flowing down my cheeks and throbbing in my soul,
I brace myself for inevitable heartache.
But it's nothing as I imagine it to be
As He picks me up and His peace fills me
His hope enthralls me and
His strength becomes mine.
Like broken glass
and shambled art
I am sprawled and squished
I am lengthened and empowered
I am stretched so much and
I feel so much pain
That the brokenness is reduced to nothingness.
The shattered fragments are dust inside of me
And I realize
I am nothing without Him.
I sit in this.
I learn in this.
I rely on Him during this
believing this is not the end.
And as I grow confident once more,
He sees change.
Like putting stitches in wounded flesh
He begins to sew me back together
And it hurts.
I can't escape it
I can't run away
Because either way there is pain
and I might as well become whole while He is here.

He's wanted this for a long time,
I can see it in the way He handles me.
He's not leaving.
He's not abandoning.
He's still working on me
He's still supplying my needs
through countless weeks of mending
millions of seconds worth of healing
There is still so much to put back together
And He remains.

In the midst of it all, my mending heart
is bursting with gratitude.
It hurts, it is like burning fire
cleaning away all impurity and
welding all the shattered fragments
So much brokenness,
but not for long.
Parts of me are already beginning to function properly again
Parts I didn't know were ever broken.

"You will be called Revived," He tells me,
"For I have taken you from the depths of brokenness, and am making you whole once more.
You are no longer who you were,
You are who I am mending you to become."

I am Revived.
Through this painful process
I am being made whole
and I want it.
I yearn for this
So that I might profit my Father
and bring glory to Him all the more.
May my focus be ever upon His face
as He puts me back together.
May I live Revived
So that one day
My life in response will revive others.

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