Breathe with me.

So I haven't posted in a while. I think it's a mix of being busy and lacking the motivation to write, which is very rare for me. Usually I find that I can write something down and it fits what I want to say or what I'm feeling. I even take pride in my writing every now and again. But lately, I would write something and not feel it was well-written enough to post.
Maybe it didn't flow enough.
Maybe I just didn't like what I said.
Maybe it lacked the charisma I want my writings to possess; the heart.
I want people to feel something when I write, because I actually enjoy writing most of the time.

So connect with me.
Make a touch point with me.
Put down the phone, unless you're out and about and that's how you're reading this (something I'm on quite often, I'll admit). Shut off the million other windows on your internet browser. Tune out the busy traffic and chaotic thoughts

and sit with me.

Hi. Can you hear me now?
The world gets pretty crazy, doesn't it?
It's nice to have just a minute to yourself, isn't it?
Breathe with me.
That was nice.
I don't know about you, but I feel like life is passing me by really quickly right now. It's like I'm pulled over on the highway and I'm watching the cars whiz by me. The car rumbles from the speeding vehicles, and it's scary to try and even think of pulling out at the rate the cars are coming and how fast they're speeding.

Can you believe it's Thanksgiving already? That 2013 is a month or so away from this very moment?
I can't.
Life... it's happening so fast. It's not that I'm unprepared to stuff myself with turkey, potatoes, and chocolate pie, it's just almost surreal to think that this upcoming year is full of complete shifts in direction. That an entire year is about to be behind me. I'm sorry, behind us. That has to be weird for you to think about as well.

Can I talk to you for a second? Just you and me?
I'm kind of scared.
I mean, if I had the option to hide in a really comfortable corner, I might not pass it up.
2013 is going to be a year of big change in my life, personally. I need to figure some things out. I find myself wandering aimlessly these past few weeks. I'm wondering where I'm going and how I'll get there. I called it getting back to "real life" today.
This is a pretty human thing to do.
To wonder, I mean. To try and figure everything out. I think fear probably fits in that category.
I've always had an uncomfortable struggle with change, but life change is especially horrifying.
I guess I should think of it as an adventure. That seems like it would be more enjoyable.

Over the past few years I've mentioned adventures to you: the adventure of life, the adventure of moving, the adventure of capturing each moment, or even finding adventures. I invited you on each of these adventures with me,
so I don't see why this adventure should be any different.
I think adventures mean so much more when people come with you, especially people you care about.
I'd like to think that I care about you.
So would you come with me? I need all the backing I can get.
As the holidays roll around, and as my chaotic brain kicks into hyperdrive, would you mind praying for me and sticking with me? I think you'd be the coolest.

And I'll keep you updated, don't worry.
I already know what most of you are thinking: "You have so many options", "You can go so many places", and "God will show you what to do", "Don't worry about it, you have your whole life ahead of you", and my personal favorite, "You don't know to know right now." I even have gotten many "That's ok" responses to my lack of direction, which I appreciate.
I think I just needed a moment to write it out and digest it, even admit that it's been on my mind.

I'm really glad I shared this moment with you, and that we got to cut out the world for a few brief seconds. Things get pretty overwhelming sometimes, don't they? Maybe we should try and make this a regular thing. I wouldn't mind it.

Amidst all of the chaos, the plans, the busyness, the hectic decisions, the stress, the problems that loom over your head and even your lack of direction, (because I figure there are some people out there like me), I'll remind you of something that I'm trying to remind myself of:

He's here. 

In this moment. 

Don't pass up noticing the presence of God exactly where you are, because He IS there. 

Right next to you.
Right next to me.
He's not taking off or booking it.
He hasn't moved.
There He is.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.

Psalm 23:2

I can sense His presence in the middle of overwhelming emotion and thought.

I can feel Him nudge me, and try to focus my mind on this important thing.
Have you even sat still recently long enough to notice that He's around?
If not, I'll pass you off to Him. You two should talk. He misses you.
And there it is: calm. Maybe not inside, because you two need to talk about some things,
But is it just me, or did the world around me all of the sudden get a lot quieter?
Did the weight on my shoulders slowly lift?
Did my room quickly grow still?


He says, 
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10

To...

To someone who lets me tag along while attaining to their responsibilities, and doesn't mind,
To someone who lets me live with her, even if we've done it for most our lives, and still loves me despite of me,
To someone who doesn't mind a phone call out of the blue or picking up where we left off, even if we haven't talked in months,
To someone who calls me on her drives to and from college, and still seems happy about it,
To someone who makes sure to text me every once in a while and check in,
To someone who keeps making time for me every so often, even if our lives are busy,
To someone who wouldn't mind a late-night phone call, but actually welcome it,
To someone who knows me well enough to know that I don't drink milk without eating Oreos, can read my facial expressions like a book, and keeps proving me wrong in the best sense of the phrase,

To the friends who still write me letters, even if I'm terribly slow at replying to them, 

To the friends I consider family,

To the number of people who try to keep in contact with me, even if I'm across the country and distracted by school
To the family who are what that word describes in every sense possible -

Words fail, but I wish you could see my heart in this moment.
Thank you.

May I Never Forget It.

I can only hope that the sort of incomplete, restlessness that
nestles its way into my night has to do with the
outside slowly making its way in
and the inside slowly trying to find a way out.
The two coincide together and mix until there's
a jumbled, disheveled painting of combined colors
melted paintbrushes
raw backdrop
and stiff ideality.
The soreness in my heart makes way for the brokenness to present itself,
And I've never been one to openly desire for brokenness to be present in my life
so this is a reminder that I truly am not in control,
as I try to fathom tender muscles and wobbly ankles.
Glimpses of some things that were continually flaunt their memories in my vision
galavanting in shiny wardrobes and blunt emotion.
I can't hide from everything,
and my wobbly ankles prove excuse for running very far from such a strong presence.
I can't hide. I can't run. I can't escape.
That's the point.
Life is out of my control,
like a gusting wind that comes about unexpectedly,
or a merge of stopped traffic that blocks time and makes impatience obvious.
If I can't run, or hide, or escape on my own
I must make a run, hiding place, or escape out of something
or Someone.

May every glance that my eyes journey to make,
every memory that my mind dares to recall,
every dark place that my heart tries to hide from,
and every nerve-wracking, tension-building, stress-discovering moment that I stumble into
be loosed in my Hiding Place,
my Escape,
my Refuge,
my Savior,
my Jesus.
May He be those things to my soul
and may I never forget it.

Down to business.

With elections right around the corner, I figure there's going to be tons of debating, loads of opinions, and a bunch of people thinking that they're right about what they believe in.

More power to you. Seriously. I think it's cool when people are interested in politics and what's going on in our country. It's a good thing to have a hold on. 

I was born in Africa and primarily raised in California. I went to a high school that was Republican/Conservative to the max. I knew their opinions and view points. I appreciated them. Growing up in San Francisco helped balance out the right wing perspective education I was receiving as well.  I then proceeded to have my first semester at SFSU, which was at the complete other side of the spectrum. Transitioning from that, I went to Missouri and then to Massachusetts. Both of those colleges being very Conservatively based as well. 

My dad is a Democrat and my mom is a Republican. I've heard both sides. I've seen both sides in action. I love both of my parents so much. I hear them discussing what they think in terms of politics often. It's not an unspoken rule in our home. We're open about what we believe politically.

So, my perspective might just be a tad different then yours. I have nothing against you having an opinion. Please, go for it. What I have an issue with is the blatant attacking or maybe the the haughtiness that comes alongside of thinking that your way is the right and only way. This is what aggravates me above anything else. The almost ... hate that comes alongside experiencing someone in a different party. The harsh abuse of words that we use, and how quickly offended we become and estranged from one another that makes us. 

I have seen both sides attacking the other, and I have also seen how hurtful it is. I've felt defensive of both sides, since my family is rooted in both. I've defended cases to both the right and the left and I've seen it do nothing but divide. But seriously, can you listen for a second?

I'm glad you have an opinion.

I'm glad you think you've done your research. 

I'm glad you believe in something.

But do you think yelling and fighting and pushing it in other people's faces makes them want to have anything to do with you? 

It doesn't.

I was in a high school class and they were debating abortion. Since all the Republicans were speaking up, the discussion really was basically gaining up on the other side without them being there to defend themselves. I'll never forget when a member of my class raised his hand and asked why abortion was wrong. It was a simple question, and he was being so genuine. The members of the discussion immediately attacked him. They responded in harsh words and gasps. They pretty much made sure he would never ask another question again. 

This frustrated me. 

When a classroom full of one party gains up on the other party, it frustrates me. 

They can't defend themselves. They're not actually there. How is that ok? 

And of course you'll be right - there's no opposition.

I've had a few of these experiences in college as well.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't lose yourself in something that can cut off other people so recklessly, and I would even dare to say foolishly. When you push your beliefs so angrily and obnoxiously in people's faces it honestly makes you unattractive. 

What's attractive?

An individual mind who isn't flustered because someone believes something that is different from their beliefs politically or who isn't offended because someone chooses to side with a different party even though they have the same faith.
I call these people mature. 

So here I am, at a Bible college on the East Coast during election time and I've already heard the debates and heat beginning. It's not bad. But bashing... it's not attractive. If I choose to believe something different then you, like who I think should win the election, will you treat me differently? Will you get angry at me and attack me without hearing me out? Will you try to make me believe what you believe even though maybe I've thought through what I believe too? 

And maybe you won't understand over your opinions and strong viewpoints. 

But I can't help but wondering that if we all just listened for a minute to what other people were trying to communicate to us, maybe our world would be a little less chaotic and more understanding. Maybe people wouldn't feel so cut off, because you're actually giving them a chance. 

It's just a bunch of jumbled thoughts from an African-Californian who hates being pigeon-holed and attacked because I grew up in a different environment then you, and believe something different then every other typical, right winged Conservative who goes to a Bible college. 

Sorry for the mouthful. Keeping it real.

While We Sing.

This song has been messing with me for a while. I don't know if you've heard me talk about it or not, but it's definitely worth a listen. Seriously. Get ready to be rocked.

Connections.

Connections are powerful. Connections are what sustain us.

I can't help but wonder how people become entrapped in my heart. Not in a bad way, just in a real way. I think there's this moment where you realize that if it wasn't about you, you'd be okay with that. There's also this moment where you realize you're not alone. I think that's what makes connections so powerful. When you have the guts to look someone in the eye and realize that they know you, and you know them... the root of it is really being known. They KNOW you.

How scared are we to truly show ourselves to each other? We hide behind insecurity. We hide behind masks and expect other people to either realize it or not push too hard because then they'd really see us. We hide in our corners and churches, we hide in our groups and our comfort zones, while people are pushing and hurting and trying to understand what it means to be them. What it means to be human. 

Where did we get the mentality that we were meant to be alone? 

Because we're not. 

We all have a past. 

We all have closets and masks. 

We all choose what we want to be. It's a choice. 

Our past does a job to form us into the person we are in the present, but we're never restricted into remaining that person. It was never God's intention for us to always be fastened to years that lay behind us, trying to drag them into the future as we desperately try to push forward despite our chains. 

I don't expect to loose the chains myself, and I don't expect you to give them up so easily. I often refer to myself as a recovery patient. Sometimes recoveries take years. Everyone has a specific process. But you are not the only one who has ever gone through that process, I guarantee it. There are more people like you out there, cowering in corners and hiding, trying to intelligently decipher what it all means. We whisper in shadows and hang our heads down in defiance as if we're completely ruled. 

We're not. 

You're not the only one out there. There are other people like you. 

I know what it is to be hurt. I know the power and sting of rejection. I know brokenness. I know what it's like to carry everything around your shoulders, and I also know what it's like to see someone so weighed down and have absolutely no power to take any weight off their shoulders. 

Connections. People rooted in my heart. 

We know each other deep down, don't we?  We're just afraid to let it be known. Our past still restricts us. It's okay to be careful around people. I sure know I am. But never doubt for a second that you are on your own, and never assume that just because you see someone you know who they are. 

I despise pigeon-holing people. Some of the most influential and talented people I know are going unused because others can't truly see them. They only assume. It aggravates me. I look at them and recognize the impact they could have over thousands, while some just stand around and assume they have them figured out, and therefore they're not recognized or used. I can't help but wondering, if we're all made in God's image and we're all so different, maybe God specifically made people quiet or shy and still intensely powerful and inspiring, and as leaders we're failing to recognize it and let them fall by the wayside. There are so many walls that block a clear view.  To those people: you aren't alone either.

Be yourself. It's one of the most powerful tools you possess. 

It's in that, that you see you're not alone. 

And when you realize you're not alone, something shifts inside of you. 

You can make a connection. 

And when you are yourself, you give others around you the chance to be themselves because being genuine is so far-fetched today, that when you embrace who you are it's instantly noticeable. 

Know that if I could take that weight off your shoulders I would, in a second. Know that if I could take away any pain, I would. Know that if I could carry any of your past, I would try. Just so that you wouldn't have to. I might not be able to take away your pain, push you forward, and numb that raw emotion, but I can stand with you through the process and let it be known that I'm here. I can point you to someone greater who CAN do those things with you. Who CAN help you in ways that no one can. He's waiting for you. 

So, what CAN we do?
Sometimes all we can do is say three of the most powerful words: "You're not alone."
Words fail. Presence matters. Openness make a difference.
Start now.  

fear.

I have these complete moments of intense inspiration. Realization. Honesty. And honestly, I love speaking my raw emotion. When you express yourself so fully and wholly that it might not make sense but those are your emotions, I just see so much power in that. 

Then there’s this fear: fear of it not being accepted. Fear of being misunderstood. For me it’s fear of it not being good enough or someone taking my raw words and walking away with them, and never returning. 

Fear usually comes from experience. I’ve heard that we’re only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of the dark. Those were the only fears given to us at birth, yet we walk around with millions, just tumbling around inside of our hearts and our heads. Sometimes fear isn’t rational. I know it. 

But there has to be some beauty in it, right? My grandfather once told me to enjoy the uncertainty. Fear means you care, at least most of the time. It means you’re invested. It means you don’t want to lose something, and for someone who’s lost a lot and struggled with people leaving and being left, fear from that in an entirely different situation can indicate that I’ve actually allowed myself to feel, and be, and take part in that kind of communication and friendship again. Even though I take it overboard, it could be healthy for me, because I didn’t square myself away. I didn’t hold back.

I didn’t…. lose myself in being lost. 

I got back up, and now, experiencing this fear with people who are new, it’s scary. I’m not going to buffer it for you. But I have to trust them, because not trusting them only proves that everyone who’s ever left is still in control over my emotional behavior, and that’s not healthy. 

Have you ever missed someone so badly it hurt?

That kind of scares me, because for that to happen to me, it means they take up serious space in my heart. Not unhealthy space, or even bad space, just more space then normal in any regular friendship that I’ve ever experienced. There’s this natural insecurity that follows that, at least for me. There’s so much that could go wrong. But I can’t always think that way. I don’t want to live life that way. 

There’s so much that could go right, and I’m not going to lose one of the best gifts God has ever given to me in my best friend because of fear. 

This is pretty real, and you won’t see a lot of these. But I love so hard, and so fast, and so much sometimes that everything seems so real to me, including fear. Fear is real. 

But it is possible to have a best friend know you so completely and not run away with it. 

I have to believe that. I choose to believe that. And in that, there's freedom.