Release.

Fighting back and having conflict at all usually just isn't worth it to me (Even though in some cases it probably should be). Instead, I'll let you do what you want to do, say what you want to say, and keep what you have stolen from me and I'll run to my secret place. 

I wish I was at the beach right this very second.

Why the beach?

There is never a moment when I am at the beach where I can deny that there is a God. 

(if you can I think that takes more effort)

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Officially Declared

So this December seems to be passing me by faster then any I can remember. It's already the 12th? When did all that happen? This week finals begins and then on the 21st I'm flying home. I'm really excited for this semester to be over with and for break to be here so some serious relaxing can occur.
I have my schedule for next semester and it's a doozy to even look at. I'm taking on 19 credits.  I keep reminding myself that that's not set in stone. I can always change it or drop a class next semester if things get to out of hand.
On a pretty nifty note, I declared my major for my BA altogether! This is a big deal! I finally know what I'm doing with my college stuff for now :) It feels awesome.
Currently I'm sitting in my overheated room with the fan on, typing away and eating Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses (who knew such a wonderful invention existed?). Kayla is sprawled upon my floor out cold. She spent most of the weekend in here and slept over last night as well, so my room is very cozy with blankets and pillows on the floor (I love it). It's raining outside and the chilly weather has definitely hit (it was 12 degrees at some point last week). I'm about to embark on another finals or homework related task and I can't help thinking: How lucky am I?

This is my life. Thank you, Jesus. 

Good Night

A good night conversation with my Daddy- the King of Kings, Master, Ruler, Giver, Friend, Commander, and Lover of my Soul:
"Hi Daddy. I love you. I wonder sometimes how you bear to love me. I mess up and I fail a lot," I whisper quietly.
"I love you, Child," I hear Him say.
"I love You too. Can I rest?"I ask shyly, looking down with my cheeks getting red.
And He nods. I climb up onto my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder. His arms engulf me and I smile to myself.
"I love talking to you like this. I wish I could just stay here all the time," I say in a content tone.
God smiles as I breathe deeply and I feel His smile over me.
"I love You," I say, almost drifting off to sleep.
"I love you more then you will ever know- More than you know now, more than you will ever know in the future and more than you have ever realized," He says back to me. I take a moment and let that sink in. I have my own personal "Selah" times with God every now and again. "More than you will ever know" He says to me again.
"It's supposed to snow tomorrow," I say in a silly tone and then I laugh. I'm not ashamed of what I say because God knows who I am and He fully understands me. In fact, He appreciates my qualities and openness to be who I am with Him. He made me this way, after all.
I go on to tell Him about what's on my mind. My thoughts - everything from the weather to how I'm feeling and I end with a very serious thought that He doesn't respond to.
And God doesn't have to answer. Sometimes He just lets me talk. Sometimes all I feel and know with such certainty is that He's listening. And sometimes... that's all I needed to know in the first place.

Goodnight world.

Real Talk

I guess it is when you fully put aside yourself (your wants, needs, satisfactions, desires) and put someone else in front of you (that maybe doesn't deserve it, need it, or even has significantly done damage) that you understand the real meaning of what it is to love.
What you do with it all, of course, is the big wisdom factor. But how you react ...

Life is for living, right?

So, I thought, what better place to blog than on an airplane while flying across the country? How awesome is that? This airplane has free wifi because it's the holiday season.

I was talking with my sister last night and this phrase popped out of my mouth: "Time only seems fast when you look back."

It kind of made us both stop for a second. First of all, I couldn't believe that a phrase so deep had come out of my mouth, and second, I realized the complexity and undeniable truth of the statement. I keep wishing and wanting time to hurry up already so that I can look back and see how I got through what I'm going through right now. I want to see that I made it and think back on it and ponder the grace of God and His provision already. I want to know so many things. My need and perseverant curiosity blinds me and causes me to only see my situation, instead of thinking of the necessary and fruitful things around me.

Time only seems fast when you look back. It's so true. This past semester has absolutely flown by now that I look back at these few months. I've moved across the country and found my new community. I've declared a major. It's almost Christmas. I really was not ready for that! 3 more weeks and this semester is over with!

So, a little encouragement to me and you alike. Take life from where you are- appreciating the things that truly have gotten you this far-and remember that whenever you get to where you think you're going, time flies by faster than you think. You'll make it.

"If I have a chance I won't think twice, I'll throw caution to the wind and always choose to ride. God gave me this life and I'm going to ride." -Lainey Wright

I mean life is for living after all, right?

This is Me

I have long, brown, unmanageable hair.

I have hazel eyes.
I have very white skin upon which I have way too many freckles.
I wear contacts, which means that when I'm not wearing them I'm wearing my glasses.
I have terrible eyesight.
I barely, if ever, wear makeup. Only for special occasions.
You'll never catch me wearing a two piece bathing suit. Ever.
I don't go to the beach to swim or tan, I go there for my secret place.
I'm not a twig.
I don't have the coolest outfits and I for sure don't always look put together.
I can barely play guitar and bass. I play piano.
People enjoy my songs more than I do.
You might never see me smiling bigger than on a Friday night with my youth in SF.
I'm half Italian and half German. I was born in Africa and I have an Asian name.
I don't get it either.
I can be strong and stubborn, but you might never know that I'm sensitive and vulnerable.
Education is a very big priority to me. I'm finishing my BA in four years and nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that. I want my degree. What that degree is in...
I am very loyal to my friends. If you need me, I'll be there.
I've made mistakes.
I have a heart for the nations. My calling is international.
I believe in common courtesy and respect for human life. You don't leave people hanging and ignore their existence. Everyone is valuable.
Promises are important to me. Don't say something to me and then change your mind later. Your word is all you have.

God made me this way, and He loves me as is.

Broken and Beautiful

I would run

But in all honesty, where would I go?

Anywhere I go, there I am.

I would hide

But in all seriousness, how would that solve anything?

Everywhere I go to shelter myself becomes exposed.

I would hurt that person

But in the end, would I feel as justified?

It might satisfy for a moment, and then I would have to deal with it afterwards.

I could take it all back

But logically that's impossible

I could try and try but it wouldn't change anything.

I'm running until it burns

and trying to breathe

I'm pounding until I bleed

and holding my hands afterwards

I'm attempting to mend the broken pieces of my life

Broken promises

Broken dreams

Broken life

until a pair of hands stops mine.

"Tabatha."

I continue to pound.

"Tabatha."

I begin to weep.

"Look at me," I whisper. "Will you look at me?"

"I never stopped," I hear Him say.

"Tabatha," He says again. "My precious Daughter."

I stop, looking at my bleeding hands and wrapping my arms around myself.

I feel a heat approaching me.

"God, no," I whisper. "There's no way."

"My Daughter," He says to me, in full confidence, "My precious Daughter. You are mine. I am calling you by name. Precious, Daughter, Child of Mine, honored, beloved, lovable, princess... I'm here."

There are no more words to be said. Tears flow like a river down my cheeks and surround me as He carefully picks me up and pulls me into His embrace.

He handles me like the most valuable, fragile human being in the entire world. He handles me like He doesn't want to break me. He handles me with care.

I cry and I weep. I struggle and I yell.

"Oh Father," I sob, and there are no other words that I am able to speak.

"I know," He whispers softly to me.

He knows me.

"I never stopped loving you, not once," He reassures me. "I am never afraid to tell you that."

The tears eventually fade and I sigh, exhausted.

I slowly close my eyes and enjoy His embrace. I snuggle onto His chest and breathe slowly.

"My promises are eternal, just like my love. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. You can believe me. I never left."

"Never?" I say into His chest.

"Never."

"Everyone leaves," I speak.

"Not me," He replies. "Never."

"But... look at me!" I exclaim. "I'm a mess! I'm everywhere! I'm ..."

He finishes my sentence for me.
"Beautiful. And Mine."

This is my Father. This is how He loves me, no matter what. I may not feel it, but my faith is bigger than feeling. I pray that I begin to see myself how God sees me.